Super Soaker Flame Throwers And 7 Other Sketchy Uses For Kids’ Toys

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There are those moment, maybe a couple of beers past the kid’s bedtime, when that Octonauts Super Sub in the toy nook looks pretty fun. Suddenly the brave plastic adventurers are chasing down Bond villains and swearing like the sailors they are. As inappropriate as that might be, there are adults who’ve taken kids toys into territory way more dark and strange. From war zones to Twilight zones, here are some incredibly un-kid friendly uses for kids toys. Just don’t get any ideas. That Super Sub is perfect as is.

Swiss Army Barbie

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Barbie has worked very hard to be upstanding and useful, going from a simple fashion icon to veterinarian and doctor. But how much more useful could she be if she could whittle up a pointed stick? Now you know. But the question remains: Is knife-Barbie better or worse for your daughter’s body image?

Weaponized Nerf Bow

You know that catching a Nerf-bolt in the groin, or any other delicate part of your anatomy, can take you out of a play date right-quick. But aching balls, eyes or otherwise, are at least better than straight-up death. That didn’t stop t his Euro-guy from rigging up a toy-bow apocalypse.

Super Soaker Flame Thrower
Great, now you’ll need 2 super-soakers. One to light the grill from 50 yards out and one to put out the flaming hell-scape that your backyard has become.

Open Ses-IM-MeThe Mattel IM-Me was an instant messaging device for kids, which was discontinued in 2011. That means there are likely scads of these gadgets waiting in yard sales across the country for enterprising hackers to turn them into all-purpose garage door openers. And likely not for their own garage.

DWI Barbie
Drunk, with a DWI charge and driving a Barbie Jeep to get around campus, is no way to go through life, young lady.

The Worst Use Of Legos, EverThis crafty individual has taken the most infinitely creative building toy on the market and, with all the curiosity and wonder of a soullessly practical insurance salesmen, built a… Box… To hold utensils. This is the symbolic equivalent to giving the middle finger to childhood.

The Best Use Of Legos, EverThis crafty individual has taken the most infinitely creative building toy on the market and, with all the creativity of a post-modern Bukowski, built a bar that looks like a life-size version of the best drunken robot in the history of animation. This is also the symbolic equivalent of giving the middle finger to childhood.

Silly String Tripwire DetectionThis delightful fire hazard in a can used to be, at best, a lame practical joke that was a pain in the ass to clean up. But that was before the U.S. figured out how to use it in Iraq to detect tripwires in buildings previously occupied by enemy combatants. WTG, silly string.

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