Once upon a time, wearing any old sweater you picked up at Goodwill was enough to make you the life of office holiday party. Not today. With a cottage industry dedicated entirely to making outlandish holiday garments and everybody short of grandma rocking a hilarious “humping reindeer” pullover, the pressure is on to step up your yuletide game. And it’s not just ‘ugly’ sweaters: companies are holiday-ing up sportscoats, suits, and onesies to showcase that yuletide spirit. Is it overkill? Certainly. But it’s fun to go over the top. To that end, here are ugly sweaters and other options to check out.
Knitted Crackling Fireplace Christmas Jumper
This interactive acrylic ‘ugly’ jumper from Morphsuits uses your smartphone to do what your hilarious lineup of dad jokes can’t; entertain your family. Download and start the fire app, slide it into the pocket, and get cracking on all those “there’s a fire burning inside me” jokes.
This 100-percent polyester number comes in four festive patterns, looks sharp over jeans, and will only set you back $40. It’s probably a good idea to not operate heavy machinery while wearing this ‘ugly’ jacket — those gingerbread men look clearly baked.
If ever was there was a “classic” ugly sweater that embodied this Renaissance of raunch, Festified’s naughty Rudolph in the middle of a threesome would be the one; it pretty much started the trend. It’s a bold move, so probably best not to break it out a corporate function.
Quilty Pleasure Suit
Suit up like an elf at a board meeting in Oppo Suit’s quilted patchwork of holiday clichés. You can almost hear the holiday catcalls now: “All that guy in the quilt needs is a cozy fire and me.”
Much like Adam Sandler’s festive songs, you don’t even have to celebrate Chanukah (or delicious bread, for that matter) to appreciate the double-entendre hilarity of a rabbi yelling “holla!” about a loaf of “challah.” You probably should celebrate Chanukah, however, if you’re going to wear it.
50 Shades of Santa
The name may connote BDSM but the look is decidedly more Papa Smurf. Get pa-ra-pa-pum-pumped to sip some nog, spit out fruitcake, and carol the night away while rocking this hipster homage to the multitude of beards St. Nick has sported over the years.
Green Bay Packers Light-Up Touchdown Sweater
Even if you don’t don cheddar and start Brett Hundley in your fantasy lineup, you’ll appreciate this ‘ugly’ jumper; you just need to enjoy throwing your arms up in the air every time the word “Touchdown” lights up across your chest. If you hate the Packers (looking at you, Helga hat wearers) but love the NFL, your favorite team is available as well.
Sweet Baby Jesus
No, you don’t have to be able to quote the entire dinner prayer from Talladega Nights to fully appreciate this Sweet Baby Jesus sweater, but it definitely makes wearing it more fun. The fact that you pretty much live in a baby carrier these days is just icing on Jesus’s birthday cake.
The Big Lebowski – The Dude Abides
Not only does this Big Lebowski ‘ugly’ sweater really tie your holiday outfit together, but consider it a free pass to drop as many of The Dude’s classic lines as the evening permits.
Star Wars Decorated R2-D2
Don’t let all the attention The Last Jedi‘s new BB-9E is generating sway you from your allegiance to the most helpful droid in the history of the galaxy. Not only does this handsome sweater feature a festive R2-D2 decked out in holiday lights, but it also comes in youth sizes — which means the picture on your family Christmas card pretty much just took itself.
A Christmas Story Fragile Leg Lamp Light Up
Crack a “You’ll shoot your eye out” joke while wearing this battery-powered Christmas Story-tribute crewneck with light-up lampshade and guests at your holiday soiree will probably reply, “Yes, please!”
Black Metal Snowman
From the land of snow and ice comes a black metal snowman that “resides in the cold Norwegian mountains and only emerges to burn down any symbol of the true meaning of Christmas.” He’s like the Grinch — if the Grinch wanted to feast on the souls of the Whoville children.
Make X-Mas Great Again!
And for the other side of the political spectrum: The ‘Make X-Mas Great Again!’ Donald Trump sweater. Made from the finest, most comfiest acrylic yarn in the world, this timely pullover is going to be yuge. Even better reads the listing: “It fits all sized hands.”
Web Of The Spider-Man
Show your solidarity of Spidey returning to his rightful home at Marvel Studios. This 100-percent cotton sweater from ThinkGeek just looks a Fair-Isle pattern, but then it gets all web-slingy. You’ve always wanted to start a rousing rendition of “Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man,” at Christmas dinner.