Despite your likely reaction to the products in this roundup (spontaneous rubbing together of the hands; quiet, uncontrollable giggling), none of them are for you. They’re for your kid, to ensure that when the Gangs Of Your Neighborhood amass at the local Five Points, he or she is properly outfitted to inflict maximum hydration of anyone who messes with them. As for you … grow up. Everyone knows a dad’s place in a water brawl is as the impartial referee, making sure things don’t get out of hand (and blasting anyone who does with a hose).
Zorbz Self-Sealing Water BalloonsA direct hit from a water balloon may be the single most satisfying way to score water fight points, but woe be the kid who’s trying to stockpile these particular munitions, mid-fight. These self-sealing balloons do half the job themselves, so your kid can focus on finding their next target.
Zorbz Self Sealing Water Balloons ($8)
Bunch O BalloonsOr, you know, attach 37 self-sealing balloons to a single filling mechanism, and just smile with pride as your kid goes all “Say Hello to my little friend!” on their little friends.
Bunch O Balloons ($14)
Crossbow Water Balloon LauncherSpeaking of “going all” moments in fatherhood are prouder than watching your kid literally go all medieval on a water fight. Includes a target to practice smiting the head of thine enemies.
Crossbow Water Balloon Launcher ($38)
Water Shooting RC HelicopterIf anyone complains that a water-shooting drone breaches the rules of engagement, blast them with the hose. Just remember that you’re not allowed to pilot it, and it’s age-rated for 12 and up. Rules are rules, man.
Water Shooting RC Helicopter ($25)
Carrera Red Freezer Watergun RC TruckThe ground attack version of the above, a radio controlled water cannon truck requires a bit more stealth than a chopper. However, if pulled off correctly, the reaction to an attack from that angle is priceless — make sure to give it a test run so you can advise your kid accordingly.
Carrera Red Freezer Watergun RC Truck ($82)
Nerf Super Soaker Arctic Shock Water BlasterIn addition to the pump action and soaking from distance capability, this one includes a clip-on ice drum to make the onslaught extra freezing. It’s just like having an ice cube dropped down the back of your shirt, only all over your face.
Nerf Super Soaker Arctic Shock Water Blaster ($43)
Fisher-Price Turbo Fill BlastersHose connects to base, water fills base, blaster connects to base, water fills blaster, blaster fires without pumping. Repeat, repeat, win.
Fisher-Price Turbo Fill Blasters ($45)
Aqua-Zooka Double Shot + Mini Aqua-Zooka Combo PackThis double-barreled mayhem machine resembles something the Joker used in The Dark Knight but, as the product description helpfully points out, “doubles as a bilge pump or household siphon.” But, yeah, your kid wants it for the part about how it looks like something the Joker used in The Dark Knight.
Aqua-Zooka Double Shot + Mini Aqua-Zooka Combo Pack ($23)