The Queen's Corgi Is The Most Batsh*t Kids Movie You Should Avoid At All Costs

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. But it would be difficult to imagine a less respectful way of commemorating Queen Elizabeth II’s passing — or the status of her real-life Corgis — than with a viewing of the notorious 2019 animated abomination The Queen’s Corgi. It costs zero dollars on Amazon Prime and still feels like a rip-off. The freakishly dark, inexplicably insult to the Royal Family, children, animals, and the intelligence of moviegoers snagged a notorious zero rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

But, this writer has watched it, so you don’t have to!

Released in 2019 by nWave Pictures, a Belgian animation company, the critical reception of The Queen’s Corgi, was uniformly negative, and deservedly so. I can’t imagine the late Queen herself having a more positive take on the film for reasons that go beyond its depiction of Prince Philip, her loving husband for seventy-three years, as a psychotic dog-hater who looks like he has to resist the urge to deliver a swift, hard kick to Rex, his wife’s favorite dog, every time he sees him. But, what is The Queen’s Corgi actually about?

Well, the short answer is, that it’s about a Corgi named Rex, who is not the name of any of Elizabeth II’s real dogs. The Queen’s Corgi peaks during a dialogue-free opening sequence chronicling how an adorable Corgi puppy named Rex became Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite dog, and the official Top Dog of Buckingham Palace, marred only by gags involving bodily functions. Then, alas, people and animals start talking and everything goes thoroughly awry.

The surreal miscalculations begin when our hero savagely attacks then-President Trump by biting him in the crotch. In real life, the pooch-hating President bucked tradition by not having a dog during his time in the White House but in The Queen’s Corgi, he is obsessed with finding the right Rover to breed with his dog, Mitzi. This cartoon of Trump apparently wants a stud dog to knock up his dog, and give him and Melania a big old litter of puppies to love and hold and cuddle with. Cartoon Trump thinks he’s found the answer in Rex, the titular Queen’s Corgi.

When a traumatized Rex, hoping to keep from being assaulted, pleads with Mitzie, “What part of “no” don’t you understand?”, she replies with a sassy, “Both the N…and the O” before adding an amorous “Whoo!” Mitzie is not subtle. While trying to seduce and/or assault Rex, she begs, “Take me, stud muffin!” While looking for him as he hides in horror, she quips, “I’m getting hotter in more ways than one.” In desperation, Rex ends up biting President Trump in the crotch. This leads to him losing his favored status with the Queen.

He eventually leaves Buckingham Palace and ends up in a pound. At this point, the innuendo-laden kid's movie turns into a prison movie, complete with a winking drug reference to a dog that sniffed for drugs at Heathrow but got a little too into his job. In that, he obviously became addicted to cocaine. Ah, but this is no ordinary cute dog prison movie! It’s more specifically about dog-fighting, violent underground skirmishes, and fight clubs like the ones featured in David Fincher’s 1999 cult film of the same name. Along the way Rex grows up, matures, stands up to the mean dog who runs the fight club, and learns to be a leader in 85 of the longest, most agonizing minutes in the history of film.

Eventually, Rex returns home to confront the dog that betrayed him in order to take his title, and the movie returns to its obsession with dog breeding. Rex gives up the title of Top Dog because it apparently entails having to have sex with Donald Trump’s promiscuous pooch (the movie goes out of its way to establish, over and over again, that this lady really is a tramp) even if you don’t consent. We end with Mitzie now intent on having sex with a whole different dog against his explicit, clearly stated wishes. This is the actual resolution of the movie.

I don’t know why the movie finds this so hilarious. It’s as if the screenwriters wrote a hard R, Sausage Party-style lowbrow romp and a G-rated movie about cute doggies, then combined the two scripts into something that was wildly inappropriate for families but too cute and cloying for adults. Nobody should watch this with their kids if they watch it at all. Hell, even a dog watching this movie would be offended, to say nothing of the late monarch.

Queen Elizabeth II inspired a lot of great art and entertainment in her long and eventful life and reign. But, in this case, her love of cute corgis also inspired what is easily the worst children’s movie of all time. Feel however you want to feel about the passing of the Queen, but only watch The Queen’s Corgi to confirm that this whole thing wasn’t a hallucination.

As mentioned, The Queen’s Corgi is streaming on Amazon Prime, but really, don’t watch it.