Dad Jokes

These Are Jim Gaffigan’s Absolute Best Dad Jokes

He's the master of parenting humor. Here’s proof.

Originally Published: 
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 08:  (EDITORIAL USE ONLY)  Jim Gaffigan performs onstage during the 15...
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Everything about Jim Gaffigan’s standup sets screams “America’s Dad.” The wardrobe with strong Member’s Only energy, the sets with little to no profanity, and his unique way of poking fun at himself for what many people find a relatable internal monologue when it comes to the more difficult aspects of parenting all make him one of the most re-watchable comedians around. He’s also great at telling dad jokes, whether that means jokes about parenting, or you know, actual dad jokes. But which are his best bits?

With ten comedy specials to choose from, it’s hard to narrow down exactly which Gaffigan dad jokes are the very best. Gaffigan has more than your average comedian’s array of parenting jokes. So, here are five that come through particularly well from different stages of his parenting journey and will make parents everywhere feel a little bitter, if only for a moment.

Parenting is HARD

It’s the classic “no duh” premise that Gaffigan milks every joke he can from while making himself look like a far worse dad than he is in real life so that we can all get some laughs at his expense.

“When I was single, I never really saw myself as a family man. But now that I’m married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate being alone,” he says.

The kicker? Gaffigan still had three more kids to go at the time he performed this set, so he had no idea what he was still in for.

Stream Jim Gaffigan’s King Baby now on Netflix

4 Kids and Home Birth

Gaffigan realizes that once he crosses the fourth kid threshold, he’s now in the larger-than-usual family territory. “After the third baby, people stop congratulating you,” he laments. “They just assume you’re Amish.”

The perception people have of the jump from three kids to four does play out in actuality. “If you want to know what it’s like to have a fourth, just imagine you’re drowning…and someone hands you a baby.”

And in a way that only Gaffigan can, the 4 Kids bit flows seamlessly into how he and his wife opted for home births each time. “We had all our babies at home, just to make you feel uncomfortable,” he says before alternating between poking fun at himself and lampooning the reactions he gets when people find out the Gaffigans passed on the hospital birth experience.

Stream Jim Gaffigan’s Mr. Universe now on Netflix

Why Don’t Kids Have Return Policies?

By the time Gaffigan is filming his Noble Ape hour, he’s come to see both the difficulties and joys of having a big family. “We’ve got five kids and that seems like a lot. And, frankly, it’s too many,” he says. “It is a lot, but what am I gonna do now? It’s not like they come with free return shipping. I love having five kids. I travel with them ’cause I don’t wanna be away from ’em and also I enjoy the look on waitstaff’s faces when I walk in with my family.”

Stream Jim Gaffigan’s Noble Ape Now on Amazon Prime Video

Drake Story…

Jim Gaffigan attending a Drake concert in Las Vegas went about as well as one might expect. But Gaffigan doesn’t even end up there if he’s not a dad, and if Drake isn’t performing at the same casino Gaffigan had a show in earlier that night.

“I saw Drake in concert a couple of months ago. You wouldn’t even think I’d be friends with Drake, and guess what? I’m not,” Gaffigan starts. Then he shares how his manager approached him one night with an opportunity he couldn’t – or at least didn’t – pass up. “Hey Jim, Drake is doing a show here in the casino. Would you like to go…and feel uncomfortable?” And I said, ‘I want to go. I have friends who like Drake. Well, I have a six-year-old Patrick who likes Drake, and I want to impress Patrick.’”

Stream Jim Gaffigan’s Pale Tourist now on Amazon Prime Video

Babies Are Magic

The premise sounds like a compliment, but Gaffigan takes a hard left turn that takes the audience on an unexpected ride. “Babies are magic. They are. Because they’re the worst roommates. If you had a roommate that does even one of the things a newborn does you’d be like, ‘you’re moving out,’” he says.

It’s a little dramatic, but you can see where Gaffigan’s coming from when he plays out his side of a hypothetical conversation with said baby. “You were hitting the bottle pretty hard. You threw up and then you peed on me? I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, and when I come back you’re all over my wife’s breasts!”

Well, when you put it that way…

Stream Jim Gaffigan’s Obsessed Now on Netflix

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