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The Need For Speedo

The 10 Tallest, Longest, And Looniest Water Slides On The Planet

The idea of going down a crazy waterslide is sort of like the prospect of having a kid: kind of nerve-wracking, a little bit gross, but also totally awesome and a thrill you immediately want to experience again after you finally dip your toe into the water. Actually, you can decide if that last bit is true after taking the plunge down some of these flat-out insane looking terror flumes from around the world.

If You Live Every Week Like It’s Shark Week
fatherly_leap_of_faith_atlantis_bahamsLeap Of Faith: Atlantis, Paradise Island, Bahamas
The 60-foot drop off the top of a Mayan temple is only the second-scariest feature of this slide, which sends riders plummeting into a clear blue lagoon filled with sharks. Granted, you’re safely encased in a clear tube the whole way through, but that probably won’t stop you from having nightmare visions of Quint while you prepare to make the leap. “Farewell and adieu, all you fair Spanish ladies…”

If You Like Your Waterslide With A Side Of Trespassing
[youtube https://youtu.be/ovcFdKteyBM expand=1] White Road Waterslide: Waimea, Big Island, HI
The White Road Waterslide is like something out of an Indiana Jones Movie. You have to hike along sheer cliffs, across the Waipio Valley forest, and through a half-mile long tunnel just to reach it. Once there, you have to grab a rope and climb headlong into the rushing water to reach the top, where you can finally slide down. All that said, between the views, the epic trek, and the risk of prosecution (it’s private property and off limits without special permission), this may very well be the world’s greatest waterslide.

If You Want To Sip Prosecco While Sliding Off The Italian Coast (Literally)
fatherly_citta_del_mare_holiday_village_waterslideToboggan Slides: Citta Del Mare Holiday Village, Palermo, Italy
What this slide at Citta Del Mare lacks in scare factor it makes up for by having far and away the greatest scenery and splashdown of any on this list. It’s actually 4 plunges in one. The first 3 slides drop you into pools, and the last one spits you into the Mediterranean Sea.

If You Want A Free Fall And A Loop Slide Without All The Death
fatherly_scorpions_tail_noahs_arkScorpion’s Tail: Noah’s Ark Waterpark, Wisconsin Dells, WI
Anyone who has survived Action Park (or seen the incredible stories on the internet) knows that the vertical loop is the unicorn of waterslides. Well, Scorpion’s Tail starts off by locking you into a claustrophobic capsule and dropping the floor out from under you before sending you into a damn-near-vertical loop (the first of its kind according to the nation’s largest water park). That should be more than enough to scare you half to death, which is better than a full vertical loop anyway, because that would scare you all the way to death.

If You Think A Waterslide Should End With A Swan Dive
[youtube https://youtu.be/KUOhpQDDME4 expand=1] The Royal Flush: BSR Cable Park, Waco, TX
No 2 rides on the Royal Flush are the same, because the slide is literally a ski jump-slip ‘n slide hybrid that launches you over a lake. Whether you wow the crowd with an expertly executed quad full full or finally determine if it’s possible to smash your teeth out on water is entirely up to you.

If You Want To See One Of The Wonders Of The World
fatherly_aqualoop_waterslide_beijingAqualoop: Happy Magic Water Cube, Beijing, China
After the 2008 Summer Olympics faded from memory, something had to be done with Beijing’s National Aquatics Center, so in 2011 it became the Happy Magic Water Cube. The indoor water park is now the second most visited tourist destination in China after the Great Wall, which is weird because it’s basically the same thing as the Scorpion’s Tail, but that hasn’t done squat for tourism in Wisconsin.

If You’re More Of A Roller Coaster Fan
fatherly_mile_high_flyer_water_worldThe Mile High Flyer: Water World, Denver, CO
Sorry to disappoint you, but the Mile High Flyer in Colorado is not that kind of attraction. It will get you lifted, however, as the first “HydroMagnetic Rocket Coaster” in the western US includes a roller coaster-like conveyor belt ascent (complete with chain lift sound effects) and 5 uphill segments over its 1000+ feet of distance. If the one thing you’ve always wanted from a roller coaster was less clothing, the Mile High Flyer is for you.

If 1000 Feet Isn’t Quite Long Enough For You
fatherly_wildebeest_splashin_safariWildebeest: Splashin’ Safari, Santa Claus, IN
Crank Mile High Flyer to 11 and you get Wildebeest, the second-longest water coaster in the world at 2+ acres, one-third of a mile, and 2.5 minutes long. (The longest, Mammoth, is at the same park.) A 4-story, 45-degree drop followed by a linear induction motor-propelled journey over 7 more hills, through two underground tunnels, and around a helix has earned Wildebeest 4 consecutive Best Waterpark Ride honors from Amusement Today. Speaking of which, why don’t you subscribe to Amusement Today?

If You’re Actually Insane
Insano: Beach Park, Fortaleza, Brazil
Or maybe not. This guy looks pretty relaxed. “Just lounging in my Speedo, working on my tan at 63.5 miles an hour while I drop 135 feet in less than 5 seconds.” On second thought, yeah, insane.

But Seriously, If You’re, Like, Death Wish Insane
Verrückt: Schlitterbahn Waterpark, Kansas City, KS
In the world of shit-your-pants scary waterslides, there’s Verrückt and there’s everything else. This beast is a triple threat: the tallest (168 feet), fastest (top speed 65 mph), and steepest (60 degree slope) in the world. Its name derives from an old German phrase meaning you must be Verrückt in the head if you voluntarily ride it.

 

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