Star Trek Beyond heads to theaters this weekend and a new, original Star Trek series comes to Netflix in January, so Trekkies everywhere are probably feeling like they’ve been beamed up to Heaven. But, if you have yet to put Vulcan ears on your kid or get them a Klingon Speak & Spell, you can start to indoctrinate your child with these words of wisdom from 727 episodes of television and 13 movies. Because as anyone at Starfleet Academy knows, parenting is a Kobayashi Maru scenario.
On Being Doctor, Not A Child Psychologist
“Spock. This child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth. Now, what do you suggest we do? Spank it?” — Dr. Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy
On Your Cluttered Garage
“Curious how often you Humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.” — Mr. Spock
On Showing Up For Your Android Kid
“I have brought a new life into this world. And it is my duty — not Starfleet’s — to guide her through these difficult steps to maturity. To support her as she learns. To prepare her to be a contributing member of society. No one can relieve me from that obligation. And I cannot ignore it. I am… her father.” — Data
On Schooling Captain Picard
“You’re not a parent, Captain; I am. I have learned — with difficulty — that there comes a time, there comes a time when all parents must give up their children for their own good.” — Data
On The First Months After Having A Baby
“If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.” — Mr. Spock
On Defending Your Parents’ Honor
Dr. Beverly Crusher: Lieutenant, I understand your feelings about the Romulans, but this is not the time or the place.
Worf: If you had seen them kill your parents, you would understand, Doctor. It is always the time and the place for those feelings.
Dr. Beverly Crusher: This Romulan didn’t kill your parents. And you are the only one who can save his life.
Worf: Then he will die.
On Keeping The Peace
“We’re human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands, but we can stop it. We can admit that we’re killers, but we’re not going to kill today. That’s all it takes.” — Capt. James T. Kirk
On Your Kid’s Instant Gratification
“… You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true.” — Mr. Spock
On Showing A Little Gratitude
Timicin: No parent should expect to be paid back for the love they have given their children.
Lwaxana Troi: Well, why the hell not?
On The Benefits Of Klingon Bloodwine
McCoy: This is the first time in a week I’ve had time for a drop. Would you care for a drink, Mr. Spock?
Spock: My father’s race was spared the dubious benefits of alcohol.
McCoy: Oh. Now I know why they were conquered…
On Being Highly Illogical
“Logic is the beginning of wisdom … not the end.” — Mr. Spock