Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the existential downside of pets, how parenting is like wrestling, and why dads have a right to their kids’ fries.
Me, Myself, & Fry
It’s my right as a Dad to eat half the kids fries on the way home.
Don’t @ me.
— McNeil (@Reflog_18) April 3, 2019
I bet there’s an old Hawaiian saying that goes “it’s not a vacation with two 13 year old girls until there’s a clogged overflowing toilet”
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 3, 2019
War & Pizza
Ruined vacation by cutting my kid’s pizza wrong.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 1, 2019
4: I wish you were a T-rex.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2019
What The Truck
He died doing what he hated most – tripping over one of his son's toy trucks and falling down the stairs of an overly-warmed house with too many lights on.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) April 3, 2019
8yo: I’m not tired! Is there anything I can do to help me sleep?
Me: Sure! You can be in your 40s with two kids who refuse to go to bed without another show, another snack, another book, anoth—
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 4, 2019
Have You Seen This Child?
We are getting an IKEA in my town shortly which is great because it gives me an entirely new place to lose my kids in public.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 2, 2019
Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
My wife and I parent like tag team wrestlers but right now neither of us want to be in the ring.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 4, 2019
I Have A Bad Feeling About This…
4yo: Dad, can we watch all of the Star Wars movies tonight?
Me: I can’t love you any more
[5 minutes later]
4yo: Dad, I’m bored let’s watch Valiant
Me: I can’t love you anymore
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) April 4, 2019
Orange You Glad Our Child Understands Death?
Me: I got our toddler a fish.
Wife: No you got our toddler the concept of death.
Me: It’s orange!
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) April 4, 2019