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88 Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don’t Swear

These dad jokes will have your kids in stitches for all the right reasons.

Julia Barnes for Fatherly

Good clean jokes — jokes that are genuinely funny but perfectly appropriate — are hard to come by. R-rated humor is easy, but making people laugh without invoking adult-only language is a real, rare talent that can elicit the funniest material. Consider it playing by the Jerry Seinfeld rules of comedy: to never exploit an F-bomb in order to get an easy laugh. Working that much harder for the reward makes the laughs you get that much more gratifying anyway. And a wholesome joke provides a chance for people of all ages to laugh hard together. Because while parents may indulge their kids in a few “dirty” kids jokes now and then, ultimately, parents have to strike a balance between encouraging laughter and keeping potty-mouth in check.

That’s where these funny, clean jokes for kids come in. Consider these jokes Lysol-ed: Not a filthy thing about them. And just because they’re appropriate, doesn’t mean they won’t end in chuckles. These punchy back-and-forths are corny, sure, and they don’t skimp on puns, but they’re as hilarious as they are clean. A clever, clean joke will take you back to the days when you got a brain freeze from speed-eating your popsicle so you could read the joke of the day beneath the flavored ice. Study up and bust out these hilarious clean jokes whenever you need to see your kid smile. Just don’t wait too long, because they might not think your clean jokes are cool forever.

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Food Fits

  1. Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.
  2. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
    It had great food, but no atmosphere.
  3. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
    Nacho cheese!
  4. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
    There was nothing left but de Brie.
  5. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.
  6. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
    Patty!
  7. What is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
    They say: Bologna?
    This isn’t bologna, but a serious question.
  8. Where do beef burgers go to dance?
    The meatball.
  9. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because he always has a great fall.
  10. Why did bread break up with margarine?
    Because he found a butter lover.
  11. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
    He just flipped.
  12. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
    Because they tend to spill the beans.
  13. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
    Because it’s cultured.
  14. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
    A jam session.
  15. Why do comedians love eggs?
    They’re easy to crack up.
  16. How to you fix a broken gourd?
    With a pumpkin patch.
  17. Why are jalapeños such good marksmen?
    Because they haben-arrow.
  18. Why can you never gossip about a cornfield?
    Too many ears.

Animal Antics

  1. What do you call bears with no ears?
    B
  2. What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
    Itch hiking.
  3. Which bird has the worst manners?
    Mocking birds.
  4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.
  5. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
    I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  6. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
    Ten tickles.
  7. Two goldfish are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  8. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    The don’t meet the koalafications.
  9. Why are fish so smart?
    Because they live in schools!
  10. What do you call a bear with no ears?
    A “B”!
  11. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
    Because they’re always stuffed.
  12. What language do pigs speak?
    Swine language.
  13. What mouse walks on two feet?
    They answer: Mickey Mouse
  14. What duck walks on two feet?
    They say: Donald Duck!
    No! All ducks, silly!
  15. Where do cows go on Friday nights?
    They go to the moo-vies!
  16. Why don’t ants ever get sick?
    Because they have little anty bodies.
  17. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
  18. Where do polar bears keep their money?
    A snowbank.
  19. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
    Pick a cod, any cod.
  20. What do you call a pile of kittens?
    A meowntain.
  21. What did the beaver say to the tree?
    It’s been nice gnawing you.
  22. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
    Prime mates.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

  1. What do dentists call X-rays?
    Tooth pics.
  2. What time do you go to the dentist?
    At tooth-hurty.
  3. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.
  4. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
    They’re usually 90 degrees.
  5. Why is no one friends with Dracula?
    Because he’s a pain in the neck.
  6. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
    Because he had a vowel movement.
  7. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.
  8. Is this pool safe for diving?
    It deep ends.
  9. What did the nose say to the finger?
    Quit picking on me!
  10. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
    Na
  11. Why can you never trust an atom’s story?
    Because it makes up everything.
  12. How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?
    Pull down its genes.
  13. Where does bad light end up?
    In prism.
  14. How much does a neutron pay for electricity?
    No charge.
  15. Why are electrons never invited to parties?
    They’re so negative.
  16. Where do sick fish go?
    To the dock.

Everyday Chuckles

  1. What did one wall say to the other wall?
    I’ll meet you at the corner.
  2. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
    When the punchline is apparent.
  3. What did the paper say to the pencil?
    Write on!
  4. How did the bullet lose its job?
    It got fired.
  5. Why should you never trust stairs?
    They are always up to something.
  6. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
    That’s just how I roll.
  7. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?
    Because he wanted to see time fly.
  8. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
    Hi, bud!
  9. How does NASA organize a party?
    They planet.
  10. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
    Attire
  11. Why were they called the Dark Ages?
    Because there were lots of knights.
  12. What did one toilet say to the other?
    You look flushed.
  13. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
    I told them, “Just you wait!”
  14. What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.
  15. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
  16. Why did the picture go to prison?
    Because it was framed!
  17. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
    I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  18. Want to hear a roof joke?
    The first one’s on the house.
  19. Want to hear another roof joke?
    It’s probably over your head.
  20. What building in New York has the most stories?
    The public library!
  21. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
    Because she will let it go.
  22. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?
    Just follow the fresh prints.
  23. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
    Mount Rushmore.
  24. Where to spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
    The meat ball.
  25. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
    Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
  26. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
    R2 detour.
  27. Why did the man fall into the cistern?
    He couldn’t see that well.
  28. Can February march?
    No, but April may.
  29. Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine.
  30. What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends?
    Pointless.
  31. What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.
  32. I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.