50 Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don’t Swear

These jokes will either have your kids in stitches or cause them to roll their eyes.

Swear words in a joke don’t necessarily make it any funnier. It might after you’ve had a few drinks with your buddies and you’re in an environment where you won’t get a sharp glare from a spouse, family member or fellow parent. Parents are often near their kids, though. Maybe you don’t want to offend anyone’s ears with foul language. If you’re looking for G-rated jokes that’ll make humans of all ages laugh, we’ve got you covered. Some of these jokes are corny, some are clever and some are downright silly. The jokes are about animals, history, pop culture and technology. They’ve got plenty of puns and several dad jokes that will cause even your youngest child to groan and say “Ugh… Dad. That wasn’t funny!” Because sometimes mortifying your family and embarrassing your children is funny—for you, at least. It’s always good to have some good dad jokes in your arsenal.

50. How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

49. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

48. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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47. What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Hi, bud!

46. It was so cold in D.C. today…

…that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

45. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.

44. Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he’s a pain in the neck.

43.  What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

42. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

41. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

40. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

39. What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

38. Is this pool safe for diving?

It deep ends.

37. My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

36. What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

35. What did the nose say to the finger?

Quit picking on me!

34. Why were they called the Dark Ages?

Because there were lots of knights.

33. Two goldfish are in a tank.

One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

32. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

31. Why don’t ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

30. What is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?

They say: Bologna?

This isn’t bologna, but a serious question.

29. What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

28. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

27. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

26. What’s a writing utensil’s favorite place to go on vacation?

Pencil-vania!

25. Where do beef burgers go to dance?

The meatball.

24. What mouse walks on two feet?

They answer: Mickey Mouse

What duck walks on two feet?

They say: Donald Duck!

No! All ducks, silly!

23. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

22. Want to hear a roof joke?

The first one’s on the house.

21. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

20. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

19. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

17. Why are teddy bears never hungry?

Because they’re always stuffed.

16. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

15. What building in New York has the most stories?

The public library!

14. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he always has a great fall.

13. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?

Because she will let it go.

12. What did the beaver say to the tree?

It’s been nice gnawing you.

11. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

10. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?

Just follow the fresh prints.

9. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

8. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

7. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They’re usually 90 degrees.

6. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

5. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?

Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!

4. What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

3. What time do you go to the dentist?

At tooth-hurty.

2. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

1. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 detour.