50 Best Dad Jokes You Can Use On Your Kids Right Now

Get down with you dad self.

ABC

As surely as a carton of milk couldn’t play soccer because it lacked toes and as definite as an outcast tub of butter lives a life in the margarines; dad jokes are the epitome of humor so dry and indifferent to whether or not anyone actually laughs they’ve become a cultural meme through sheer force of will. And no dad on this planet is above them. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Ryan Reynolds, an Elon Musk or a Mick Jagger, you will, by some strange divine law, find yourself telling, and appreciating dad jokes. But which are the best? Which dad jokes are, like a steak, well done? What even makes a good dad joke? Corniness helps. And the snappier the joke the better. Which is what we had in mind when we put this ultimate list of the 50 best dad jokes ever crafted. But really, above anything else, it’s all about the attitude. An attitude that’s almost indescribable, but when you see it, you’ll know exactly what it is that makes something a good dad joke. It’ll be apparent.

50. The Mollusk Joke

the joke: 

Marlin is asked to tell a joke for the other school parents because he’s clownfish and he completely botches it. 

Marlin: Alright, I know one joke, there’s a mollusk see and he walks up to a sea..well he doesn’t walk up he swims up, well actually the mollusk isn’t moving he’s in one place and the sea cucumber they…I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber none of them were walking so forget that I said that….and so just then the sea cucumber looks over at the mollusk and says ‘With fronds like these who needs anemones!?’

 

 

why it’s the best: It’s meandering, barely has a punchline, and lets us know right away exactly who Marlon is.

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49. God of Mischief

the joke: I’m the Norse god of mischief but I don’t like to talk about it, I guess you can say I’m low key.

why it’s the best: It’s not everyday someone is going to throw down a dad joke with norse mythology references.

48. Brown and Sticky

the joke: What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

why it’s the best: It’s a poop joke without being a poop a joke.

47. Restaraunt on the Moon

the moon: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

why it’s the best: It’s a straightforward dad joke set in space.

46. The Flamingo

the joke: When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

why it’s the best: Misdirection at its best. Plus, the image of a dad standing like a flamingo in his living room.

45. Nostalgia

the joke: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

why it’s the best: Seven words of corny bliss.

44. The Smart Third

the joke: Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

why it’s the best: It starts like a normal joke, then turns into a dad joke. Everyone is sad, yet begrudgingly amused.

43. The Invisible Man

the joke: Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

why it’s the best: A reference to an HG Wells book, with an anti-climatic punchline.

42. The Aim

the joke: My ex misses me but her aim is improving.

why it’s the best: Like a magic trick, it’s all about that misdirection.

41. The Recliner

the joke: My recliner and I go way back.

why it’s the best: Brevity. Plus extra dad points for including a recliner.

40. The Wedding Cake

the joke: Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

why it’s the best: Because the setting is a wedding, you can imagine this as the first of a long life of dad jokes to come from a newlywed.

39.Braille

the joke: It was easy for me to master braille once I got a feel for it.

why it’s the best: The weird, dry humor the best dad jokes are made of.

38. Mitch Hedberg’s Target Joke 

the joke: I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

why it’s the best: Mitch Hedberg wasn’t writing dad jokes specifically, but his surreal one-liners follow the same form and are cut from the same cloth. Case in point, this joke.

37. Calendar Factory

the joke: I used to have a job at a calendar factory. But I got fired because I took a couple days off.

why it’s the best: The

36. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so..yeah – hedberg

35. The History of Glue

the joke: I read a history about glue, and just couldn’t seem to put it down.

why it’s the best: It’s short,  it’s sweet, and it really stuck with us.

34. The Beaver Joke

the joke: I just watched a show about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

why it’s the best: Cursing without cursing is very dad.

33. I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

32. Illegally Parked Amphibians

the joke: What if a frog parks illegally? They get toad.

why it’s the best: Another pun you didn’t think you wanted to hear, and yet, it completes you.

31. The Paper Joke

the joke: Have you heard the joke about paper? It’s Tearable.

why it’s the best: We’d go really in depth about why we like this joke, but then you’d think we had tissues.

30. The Dogs

the joke: My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watchdogs.

why it’s the best: You add animals into the mix of a joke, you up its corny factor thereby giving it higher dad joke credibility.

29. Shortbread.

the joke: Did you know they aren’t making shortbread any longer?

why it’s the best: It’s a welcomed culinary spin on the dad joke.

28. Quick Meal

the joke: Ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

why it’s the best: The premise – eating a clock- is already ridiculous, then the punchline is just throwing absurdity on top of the absurdity.

27. Jack Handy’s Laugh Medicine

the joke: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us got of tuberculosis.

why it’s the best: Jack Handy, the author and former SNL-writer, is a treasure chest of ridiculous, and childlike jokes that could easily pass as dad joke material, and this is only a start.

26. Beauty in the Beast’s Dad Joke

the joke: 

Cogsworth: And as I always say, if it’s not baroque, don’t fix it. *laughs to self, wiping tear from eye* 

why it’s the best: It’s the laugh at his joke at the end that really sells it.

25. The Broom

the joke: The invention of the broom really swept the nation

why it’s the best: It’s smart-assy and kept under a 10 word count.

24. Dad Joke Sans Kids

the joke: I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.

why it’s the best: Adding the word ‘faux’, gives the joke a kind of class and dignity it doesn’t really deserve.

23. Soap Addict

the joke: I used to be addicted to soap. But then I got clean.

why it’s the best: It’s funny, which is great, but it’s pretty innocent and expletive-free. Guess you could say, it’s squeaky clean.

22. Spring is Here

the joke: Spring is here. I was so excited I wet my plants.

why it’s the best: Nothing like a good old joke about peeing yourself to get the knee-slapping going.

21. Nuts

the joke: Thought about going on an all almond diet, but that’s just nuts!

why it’s the best: A play on fad diets that’s actually kind of funny.

20. The Drug Dealer’s Shoes 

the joke: I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

why it’s the best: It’s a corny joke about drugs. Edgy, but not really. At all.

19. This Airplane Moment

the joke: 

Dr. Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it? 

Ted Striker: Surely, you can’t be serious. 

Dr. Rumack: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. 

why it’s the best: It’s a deadpan play on words that’s endured decades.

18. 10 puns

the joke: I thought of all these puns at least one in 10 would make them laugh. But no pun in 10 did.

why it’s the best: It’s a pun, that actually uses the word ‘pun’.

17. The Condiments

the joke: I don’t fear condiments on my food. I relish it.

why it’s the best: Who doesn’t relish a good food joke?

16. Mitch Hedberg’s Banana Joke

the joke: My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said no, but I want a regular banana later, so..yeah.

why it’s the best: The second, and last Hedberg joke in this list almost isn’t even a joke, which with some bizarre mental jiu-jitsu, is what makes it work so well. Well played Hedberg, well played.

15. Breakfast with Steven Wright

the joke: I went to a place to eat. It said ‘breakfast at any time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

why it’s the best: Like Hedberg, Steven Wright wasn’t specifically writing dad jokes, but because his one liners were clean and oh so very dry, they deserve a place in the dad joke rankings.

14. Phil Dunphy’s Existence

the joke(s):

Phil enters laughing with Luke. 

Luke Dunphy: Oh my god that is so freaking funny!

Phil Dunphy: I know right!? 

Claire Dunphy: What?

Luke Dunphy: Dad just wrote another classic one. Tell her. 

Phil Dunphy: *fake modesty* I don’t know about classic – If you’re looking for a two story house, I’m your man. I’ll tell you one story before you buy the house, and then another story after. 

Luke: Oh no you didn’t! *they high-five* 

Phil: Tonight is the SCARB. 

Claire Dunphy: Southern California’s Annual Realtor’s Banquet. 

Phil Dunphy: I think they know what it is. It’s the mother of all residential real estate banquets. Now for the last five years Gilthorp has hosted but, as luck would have it he’s having a sketchy looking pollop removed so they’ve asked me to Phil-in. See what I did? Phil, think I should open with that? 

Claire Dunphy: You betcha you should. 

Claire Dunphy: [Aside] Phil is going to bomb. It’s not that he’s not fun, he is so fun, it’s just that he’s not funny. It’s probably my fault because I laugh at all of his jokes, with my mouth – not with my eyes. 

Phil: I see the great realtor Margaret Wilson is here. Looking more curvaceous than ever, talk about your balloon payments. 

Claire Dunphy: *laughs with dead eyes*

why it’s the best: The man is a walking talking dad joke come to life.

13. The Long Con

the joke:

Dad: This magic trick. Basically what you have to do is, I point at something and you call it out. Okay? 

Daughter: Yeah. When? 

Dad: When I point to it like that. *Points to the head of chicken drawing* Like, that’s what? 

Daughter: It’s head. 

Dad: Okay. So it’s one word. So are you ready? Are you taking part or what?

Daughter: Yeah, yeah I’m listening. 

Dad: Okay, let’s go. *points to different parts of the duck* 

Daughter: Beak. Wing. Feet. Beak. Wing. Feet. Beak. Wing. Feet. 

Dad: Very good. So what I’m going to do now is point at two of them. Remember the one I have left out but don’t say it out until I tell you to. Okay, so I’m going to put a point…

Daughter: So I’ve to say it when you point at them? 

Dad: No, just remember the one I don’t point to. But the ones I do point to say them out loud. 

daughter: Beak, feet, beak, feet, beak, feet, beak, feet.

Dad: Okay, so remember the one I had left out and say nothing okay? 

Daughter: Okay.

Dad: And what I want you to do now is, I want you to keep remembering the one I left out. 

*he folds the paper into a U-shape, then sticks both of his thumbs up.*

Dad: Put your thumbs like that. No, like that. That’s grand. So What I’m going to do is, this is the magic part. 

*He puts the U-shaped paper over both her thumbs*

Daughter: Bird shit better not come out of my fingers.

Dad: No, it won’t. And remembering all the time the one I left out but don’t say it out loud until I tell you. 

*makes sure the paper is snug on her thumbs*

Dad: Okay, what I want you to do is concentrate but remember the word I left out – and say it out loud, not shouting but loud, six times. 

Daughter: Wing, wing, wing, wing, wing, wing. 

Dad: *pulls the paper off her thumbs and puts it against his ear like a telephone* Hello!

Agony is experienced by all.

why it’s the best: A dad joke that’s so convoluted with such a dud of a punchline is impossible not to love.

12. Later

the joke:

Kid: I’ll see you later.

Dad: Don’t call me later, call me dad.

why it’s the best: It’s simple, it’s dumb, and resembles another famous dad joke on this list.

11. Word

the joke: To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office I will find you. You have my Word!

Why it’s the best: Complaining about someone stealing software is one thing, using the opportunity to spin it into a play on words is a whole, deliciously dad joke-y other.

10. The Porsche

the joke: 

Dad:  I got a little surprise for you son. 

Sam: What kind of surp–

Dad: *driving up to porsche dealership* A little surprise. 

Sam: No, no, no dad! You gotta be kidding me. 

Dad: Yeah, I am, you’re not getting a porsche. *laughs*

why it’s the best: It’s the perfect troll.

9. The Quarter Pounder

the joke: 

Why it’s the best: The ingenuity and craftsmanship deserve all the props.

8. Ryan Reynolds Trolls his Daughter

the joke:

Why it’s the best: We appreciate that even a celebrity like Reynolds knows when to throw down a solid dad joke.

7. Bernaise

the joke: 

Count De Monet: Oh! But with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I’m famished!

Count De Monet: Bernaise?

Bernaise: Yes?

Count De Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?

Bernaise: You ate yours, these are mine.

Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!

Bernaise[mimicking] Au contraire, I paid for them! There – they’re mine! [blows a raspberry]

Count De Monet: Don’t be saucy with me, Bernaise. Hmm-mm.

why it’s the best: That legendary delivery, and the fact that bernaise is a kind of sauce.

6. Cry Wolf from Kings of Summer 

the joke: 

Rookie Cop: Uh, Mr. Troy are you familiar with the boy who cried wolf? 

Frank: Yes, I experienced a childhood on the planet Earth so, yes I’ve heard of that one. Do you think you can apply it to my situation in an allegorical fashion? 

Rookie Cop: Okay it’s a story that involves a boy who constantly cries wolf, and when the wolf finally comes he doesn’t know it. 

Frank: I’m sorry the boy who cried what?

Rookie Cop: Wolf.

Frank: Fuck you. The boy who cried what? 

Rookie Cop: Wolf. 

Frank: Get the fuck off my porch before I knock your dick in the dirt. 

why it’s the best: Nick Offerman’s intimidating dad presence, mixed with actual hilarity.

5. The Show Down

the joke(s):

Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg sit down at a table and lay down some of their best/worst jokes. 

Will: What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide. 

Mark: Did you know in King Arthur’s time, one of the knights was in charge of collecting taxes? His name was Sir Charge. 

Will: What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don’t wok away from me! 

Mark: Did you hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight? It was a family feud. 

Will: Did you hear about the superhero with the lisp that always worked out? He’s Thor.

Mark: What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen

Will: What do you call someone who gets mad when they don’t have any bread? Lack toast intolerant. 

Will: What do you call the syrup with a speech impediment? Mrs. Stuttersworth. 

Mark: What airline did jesus and mary take? Virgin. 

Will: What’s the most crunk place to go to the bathroom? The lil Jon.

Mark: What was the foot’s favorite type of chips? Dori-toes. 

Will: If Steven Seagall removed all animal products from his diet what would we call him? Vegan Seagall. 

Mark: What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes. 

Will:  If spaghetti made an action movie, what would it be called? Mission: Impasta-ble

Mark: What kind of shoes to gophers wear? Woodchucks. 

Will: What do you call a lazy doctor? Dr. Dolittle. 

Mark: Did you know on average people want three covers on their beds at all times? That’s just a blanket statement. 

Will: What did the pot eat on its birthday? Pancakes. 

Mark: Where would you grow a chef? Bakersfield.

Will: What do you call a camel in a drought? A dry humper. 

Mark: What do you call a person who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus? Eggnog-stic.

Will: What is Starbucks’ favorite city? Ft. Latte-dale. 

Mark: Why did the salad go to the studio? To get some beets! 

Will: How do you get a squirrel down from a tree? Pull down your pants and show him your nuts. 

 

why they’re the best: This video is just a series of corny jokes as read by Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferell, which makes it a gift to our world.

4. The Cut

the joke: 

Kid: Did you just get a hair cut?

Dad: No, I got them all cut!

why it’s the best: You hear it, and immediately want to face palm.

3. Hi

the joke:

kid: I’m hungry.

Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.

why it’s the best: This is probably the most famous dad joke out there and has reached the ultimate level of dad joke-y-ness.

2. National Lampoon’s Family Christmas

Ellen Griswold: Isn’t it a little big

Clark Griswold: It’s not big it’s just – full. 

Rusty Griswold: Dad, that thing wouldn’t fit in our yard. 

Clark Griswold*through quiet anger* It’s not going in our yard Rus, it’s going in our living room. 

 

why it’s the best: The strained desperation in Griswold’s voice.

1. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park

Alan Grant throws a stick against an electric fence. 

Alan Grant: I guess that means the power’s out. 

Slowly approaches the fence, grabs on with both hands and — 

Alan Grant: aaaaaaaah! 

Kids: aaaaaaah! 

Alan stops screaming, slowly turns around and smiles. 

Lex: That’s not funny.

Tim: That was great. 

why it’s the best: Even though Dr. Alan Grant doesn’t want kids, he sure knows how to prank on them.