12 Funniest Jokes From Amy Schumer's New Netflix Special - Fatherly
Amy Schumer has been one of the biggest stand-up comedians of the last decade and while the superstar comic built a career off discussing her misadventures in dating and hilarious hook-ups, she’s now entered into a new phase of her life: domesticity. Since her last special, Schumer has gotten married and is currently pregnant with their first child. But don’t kid yourself, marriage and motherhood haven’t made Schumer any less funny, as evidenced in Growing, her newest special which debuted on Netflix this week. Over the course of the hour, Schumer tackles pregnancy, marriage, and toxic masculinity. Here are 12 of our favorite jokes.
On Getting Pregnant: “Yeah, I did it. I’m amazing. I laid there and… that’s it.”
On Pregnancy Speculation: “Usually, when someone in the public eye gets pregnant, there’s a couple of months where there are some rumors about them. Bump alert! Uh oh! I was well into my second trimester and not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing. I was photographed, belly out, and they were just like, ‘There’s Amy!'”
On the Questions People Ask: “What are you having? Do you know what you’re having? Hemroids.”
On the Struggles of Pregnancy: “I didn’t know being pregnant could be really hard because you bitches all lied about it. Women don’t tell you how hard it is. I should have googled it.”
On Cravings: “I haven’t even wanted wine, that’s how I know this baby’s not mine. This baby’s a lie!”
On Her Husband: “Marrying a chef is a little on-the-nose for me. It’s like Snoop marrying weed.”
On Weddings: “When you get into your late 30s, there’s no dignity to it. It’s like me in a Grecian gown with my aging cleavage wearing a Coachella flower halo, just hoping I’m not the bridesmaid with the biggest arm.
On Puberty for Girls: “It’s supposed to be a secret. Like the second you get it, your mom says, ‘You’re a woman now… and that’s disgusting. Never let anyone know of your filthy secret.'”
On Puberty for Boys: “At that age, for men, the most embarrassing thing is unwanted erections but then they grow up and show them to everyone.”
On Confidence: “I have to give it up for my mom. She made me so confident. Like she just straight-up lied to me as a kid. It’s tough to stay confident, as a woman. You turn on the TV, see all the gorgeous women. We have to compete with the mother of dragons. What’s her name? Kris Jenner.”
On Porn: “If you’re into gag porn, you should have been living at my house for the last five months, you’d be hard as a rock.”
On Preparing for Parenting: “A baby. Guys, what the fuck am I doing? We have no idea what we’re doing. We have some books at home and every week there’s a terrifying video saying what’s going on in the baby’s development. ‘This week the baby is growing fur and eating you from the inside!'”
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