It’s never easy to know what to say when your little ones ask big questions. One particularly challenging conversation comes during what can be the hardest times for your family: the loss of life. What do you say to your kid when they ask, “What happens when you die?” or “Why do people die?” These aren’t questions we can easily answer for ourselves, let alone answer for our kids. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Death occurs in many ways — expectedly, accidentally, or suddenly — and each instance and encounter with it is unique. So each conversation you need to have about it is just as individual.
As with many tough topics (like sex and religion), your kids might surprise you with how much they already know about death — and they’ll probably bring it up to you before you’ve even had a chance to start the conversation with them. According to the Child Development Institute, there are different stages children go through when learning about and understanding what death even is — depending on their age:
Those aged three to five mostly see death as temporary, reversible, and impersonal. In stories they read or watch, characters who seem to die will often rise up again. It’s appropriate for their age level to think this way.
Between the ages of five and nine
At this age, most children begin to see that all living things eventually die and that death is final. But they tend to not relate it to themselves or consider the idea that they can escape it. They may associate images like skeletons with death. Some children have nightmares about them.
From nine through to adolescence
Older children begin to understand fully that death is irreversible and that they too will die someday.
For a large part of childhood, death isn’t viewed as an emotional thing. That’s why it’s usually easier to talk about death when you can be less emotionally involved. Take opportunities to talk to children about dead flowers, trees, insects, or birds — it’s a way of teaching about death without the tragedy. According to the National Institute of Health, a child’s interest and distant exposure to death “may provide an opportunity to explain, for the first time, that all living things die and make room for new living things.”
But what about when grandma dies or the family pet passes away? When death hits personally, that same idea that “all living things die” can be a good place to start. Keeping the same, pragmatic, matter-of-fact truth at the root of your conversation can help bring peace when children grieve. Talking about the “circle of life,” per se, is better than giving flimsy explanations that sound good, but can ultimately confuse or even scare children.
According to CDI, it’s best to avoid language such as, “Grandma went away,” “Fido went to sleep,” or “Your uncle went away,” because all of these white lies have a different meaning to your children in other contexts. To a kid, these associations can make them scared to go to sleep or afraid of you or others traveling or leaving them. It’s better to be upfront when there’s an experience of death than to create more problems with everyday life.
Of course, language isn’t the only obstacle when it comes to death. Religion is a primary source of explanation and belief in regards to the purpose and process of death. If you are religious, a death can serve as a good opportunity to talk to your kids about why you have religious beliefs regarding death. If you’re not religious, it’s okay to say so. If your child asks why some people believe in heaven or hell, explain to them that it’s part of their belief — and be sure to explain why beliefs are important for people.
But regardless of your child’s question or experience regarding religion, science, or death, remember that it’s okay to not have all the answers. “It’s okay to say, ‘I don’t know’ to your kids,” says Wendy Thomas Russell, author of Relax, It’s Just God. “Sometimes the best answer you can give your kids is that it’s okay to not know all of the answers.”