School Pick-Up Lines: The Ultimate Guide

Together we can make this hellish nightmare bearable.

by Zach Rosenberg
Originally Published: 
school pick-up lines

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Dear every other parent in school pick-up lines on Monday,

I know that school is an exciting time for you and for your small child. But please, please, pretty fucking please, stay in your line. I know it’s tough…I’m sympathetic to your pain. I’m in line too.

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Thing is, we’re all in line. So get your ass where it needs to be and inch forward like everyone else. Thumbs up emoji.

Here’s a suggestion: tonight, the night before school starts, this is a perfect time to talk to your family about which line you’re in and how you get into it. We were all supplied a diagram of the 2 drop-off/pick-up lines. People love diagrams. Draw a new diagram for your family if you need to. Especially for the grandparents. In fact, you should tape up a diagram inside their car, because they’re ancient and forgetful. I’m just looking out for you here.

Because come Monday, no matter how many of us are on the same page, someone is going to drive their happy ass against the traffic down the ONE bit of parking lot that we’re not supposed to drive through. It will cause chaos. People will start backing up. And if you’ve ever seen people back up while in a line, it panics everyone. People start waving each other on, reverse lights go on and off, cars do that OMG BRAKE thing that gives you instant whiplash. I don’t want instant whiplash.

The 40 people in line aren’t wrong — you are wrong.

If you reverse while in line, you are going to hit me. I will sit there and continue to play Marvel Puzzle Quest on my phone as my car folds around me. Your car is worth more than my 2012 Nissan Versa. This will not end well for your insurance. I will wear a neck brace in court. And I’ve practiced crying on command.

So please, don’t be the one that starts the domino effect, and don’t be the one that ends it by shredding through my car.

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If you see a line of cars and you’re driving the other direction, you’re in the wrong. The 40 people in line aren’t wrong — you are wrong. We know you have to get back to work. We know you don’t want to wait. We know that your little snowflake is more special than our little snowflakes. We got the memo in print and over the e-mail newsletter.

Also, while I got you here, you should know that — yes — we all see the line of parking spots directly in front of the drop-off/pick-up line. DO NOT PARK IN THOSE SPOTS, GENIUS. YOU WILL BE BOXED IN. Again, we all understand that your daughter has a dentist’s appointment (WOW does she need it), and that you just want to “get in and get out”, and these 8 parking spots looked so tempting, but this isn’t going to end well. It’s faster in the line if we all respect the line.

Respect the line and it will respect you. Grow up. It’s time to stop raging against the machine. We are the fucking machine. We are our parents, so sit in line and let that sink in a little. This is our lives for the next 8 to 12 years, ending one car length at a time.


A Concerned Parent

Zach is married and has one son. He’s a gamer and world-class unicorn wrangler.You can also find his writing on The Good Men Project and The Huffington Post, and HLN. You can find more 8BitDad posts here:

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