The Kool-Aid Man Is On a Bender


by Joel Cunningham

Kool-Aid man is on a bender again, and the people writing his checks are trying to play it off as a marketing stunt. Can the Kool-Aid man be trusted? Here’s what you need to know.

A video leaked on Twitter today revealed the ever-smiling sweetened drink-pusher has vanished from his home, which was left trashed and structurally unsound. If rumors are true, he’s on a bender: reportedly he has been suffering from withdrawal as of late; years of abusing his own product have left him with tolerance levels that can only be satisfied by ever more exotic “mystery flavors.”

Looking to avoid another highly public “incident,” Kool-Aid’s corporate parent quickly engineered a scheme to pass off the scandal as a social media marketing event, quickly issuing a press release and launching the website, which invites kids to “guess where Kool-Aid Man could be.”

Perhaps in an attempt to crowdsource Kool-Aid Man’s location and bring him in before he can do any more property damage to the brand, Kool-Aid is offering a free trip to the lucky kid who helps the company find their wayward mascot and “discover the mystery flavor” that is all that will satisfy his out-of-control addiction.

It goes without saying that they are also using this brewing crisis as an opportunity to sell more products: kids are encouraged to scan the labels of a package of Mystery Jammers when they send in their tips.

Kool-Aid Man rose to fame in the 1970s and ’80s in a series of commercials in which he would unexpectedly barge into a child’s bedroom, birthday party, or backyard, loudly blaring his signature catchphrase, “Oh yeah!” and sloshing bystanders with gallons of the sticky, sugar-packed drink that gave him his name.

Now, it appears that although the Kool-Aid man is still fictional (we hope?) long exposure to his own product (which is also, somehow his body) has rendered him insane, and very clearly, on the loose.

Details of how to track him down are below.