Size Does Matter To Women (But Not How You Think)

If you’re worried if you’re well-endowed enough to please your spouse, you probably popped the question (among other things) prematurely, but it’s nice to know the ideal size regardless. Luckily, 2015 was a milestone year in penis revelations. Male birth control began human trials; the average penis size was discovered, and, this month, a study revealed the size most women prefer.

Using a MakerBot 3D printer, researchers from UCLA and the University of New Mexico erected 33 plastic, Smurf-blue penis models varying in size and shape from lengths of 4 to 8.5 inches, girths of 2.5 to 7 inches, and shapes of “probably left-handed” to “Miller Lite.” Then, 75 sexually experienced women fondled the 33 specimens while pondering 3 questions: Which is preferable for a one-night stand, which is preferable for repeated sex, and what the hell is UCLA doing with tuition money?

The verdict: A larger penis — length 6.4 inches and circumference 5.0 inches — is ideal for one-night stands. A slightly smaller yet still above average penis — length 6.3 inches and circumference 4.8 inches — is ideal in a long-term sexual partner. And dildos: UCLA is using its tuition money to make dildos.

Unfortunately for many, there is a slight difference, though not a vas deferens, between ideal and average penis sizes by about an inch. March’s study of over 15,000 penises, the largest and hardest study of its kind in history, concluded that the average erect penis is 5.16 inches in length by 4.6 inches in girth, while the average flaccid penis resents its description.