It doesn’t sound good, but being a parent often means a lot of ‘do as I say, not as I do’s,’ and a hilarious thread on Reddit is proving that in spades. When one user started up a thread by asking other parents about the funniest “bad” thing that their kid has ever done, the answers didn’t disappoint in the slightest.
“I was driving with my kids in the car and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily saying ‘Oh, now look at this fucking guy.’” wrote one user. “My 3 year old son then continued to repeat that phrase for about a month, any time we were in traffic (Thankfully only in the presence of me). It was hard to correct with a straight face.”
Unsurprisingly a lot of the stories revolved around cursing, which might be the number one thing that adults do that they’d rather kids just didn’t imitate. One story involving a quick trip to the museum resulted in not only the child using an obscenity but asking an amputee a hilariously impolite question
“Walking through the capital building with my then four year old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son said, in stage whisper, ‘Mom, what happened to his leg?,’” wrote user MainlyForShow. “The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago. My son didn’t miss a beat and said ‘Did you check between the couch cushions? My mom says she always loses shit in there.’ I was appalled. The man, on the other hand was laughing so hard he was crying.”
Fortunately, people tend to be forgiving when the culprits are small children.
“My sister once went up to a fat guy and told him that he was fat. My mom immediately scolded her for it. The next time she saw an overweight guy, my mom realized that my sister misunderstood ‘you don’t tell them they’re fat’ because she went up to him at the supermarket checkout and told him ‘you aren’t fat.'” wrote another user.
Naturally, because kids, at least one story in the thread had to deal with going to the bathroom in the totally wrong place for a reason that would only make sense to a child. Hilariously enough, this one also sounds like it could serve as the intro to some brazen psychological thriller about a child who keeps strange pets.
“I once caught my youngest son (about 3 at the time) peeing in the corner of his room…right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom 10 feet away, he said he was ‘watering the ants.’ Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. And I found the ants. And the half donut he’d swiped and shoved back there. Along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget,” they wrote. “Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in his room. It was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while explaining to him that the ants would do just fine without feeding them and pissing on them.”
Still, as it usually goes, the best stories have one thing over all the others, and that’s longevity.
“When my 22yo son was a little dude, the Uncanny X-men was our favorite cartoon. Burger King was putting X-men toys in their kids meals. We went through a drive-thru to get some, but he was too young and they gave him a Snoopy doll. His sister got Wolverine but he got Snoopy and he was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. He hucked it out the window and yelled THROW SNOOPY IN THE FIRE. We all still say that sometimes when we’re mad. Flight delayed? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Drop the maple syrup? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Find a scratch on the car? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Great mood leveler,” wrote a different user.