Dr. Fauci Says Santa Can’t Give Your Kids COVID, Provides No Evidence

That's a relief, because Santa might have a handful of pre-existing conditions.

by Isabella Bridie DeLeo
Originally Published: 

Dr. Fauci is in hot water with North Pole scientists and elves after he baselessly claimed that Santa is immune from COVID-19.

According to Fauci, as Santa Claus gears up Dancer, Prancer, and Rudolph to deliver Christmas presents, he probably has a lot on his mind but at least he doesn’t have to worry about contracting COVID-19! Fauci has claimed that Chris Kringle is immune to the virus. That’s wonderful news for Santa because traveling to millions of homes across the world to deliver gifts, drink milk and eat cookies could potentially be a super-spreader event.

Hopefully, Dr. Fauci is right, even though his scientific evidence is thin on the ground. Fauci explains that “Santa is exempt from this [coronavirus] because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity.” He adds, “Santa is not going to be spreading any infections to anybody,” according to USA Today. That doesn’t sound like science to us.

But if he’s right, it’s good news, because all that travel could be dangerous for Santa’s health, as well as for Mrs. Claus and all the elves in Santa’s workshop, whom he could unwittingly pass on the virus to! But kids can rest assured knowing that Santa will survive the pandemic unscathed.

That’s why we’ve published a definitive guide as to whether or not Santa can get COVID-19. No shade to one of the nation’s foremost infectious disease experts, but in our view — because Santa is at least a semi-mortal human man — Santa truly can get COVID. But he won’t! Because he’s a responsible citizen who believes in public health experts, wears a mask, washes his hands, properly ventilates his workshop, and lives in the least populated continent on earth: the North Pole. Magically being immune isn’t science. Social distancing is!

Hell, if Santa were immune from COVID, he’d be making mall appearances. But instead, he’s being safe and holding off while taking phone calls from fans and letting kids virtually tour the North Pole instead. He doesn’t want kids to risk infecting other families or getting sick themselves by waiting in big crowds to line up to see him. And he has a handful of pre-existing conditions (like being addicted to cookies). So, for the moment, Santa is settling for Google Assistant or Zoom like the rest of us, and he’s still all ears to Christmas wish lists.

But no matter what you tell your kids — that he’s immune to COVID-19 or that he is simply an essential worker who has been given all of the proper PPE gear to conduct his Christmas night mission safely — make sure Christmas magic happens in some form this year regardless. “Santa will be watching you from afar, giving you the gift of good health, and will only visit when no one is around on Christmas Eve.” Santa, it seems, is a pro at social distancing.

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