One of the side effects of the coronavirus pandemic is the cancellation of all live sports. That’s a big problem for sports fans, but for Conan O’Brien, it’s an opportunity to scam kids out of their money, and he wants you to get in on the action.
On last night’s Conan, a scumbag version of the host explained his scheme in a segment titled “Conan’s Quarantine Tip #67: Sports Betting,” a tongue-in-cheek PSA for parents stuck inside with their kids.
“Right now, you’re trapped at home with your children. They’re driving you crazy and you want revenge. Simple.” Conan goes on to explain how, without live sports, ESPN is simply showing games from before your kids were even born.
You can probably tell where this is going.
“If your kids get suspicious and ask why the footage looks grainy and old, just show them some of my show and say ‘See, all television made during quarantine looks bad.'”
If they ask why it says “1980 Winter Olympics” on the rebroadcast of the Miracle on Ice you’ve convinced them the Soviets are definitely going to win, simply say that those Olympics are happening now because of the 1980 pandemic.
Conan recommends trying this scheme even for sports movies like 1981’s Miracle on Ice starring Steve Gutenberg; you can just they’re trying to keep up with Quibi, which no one really understands yet. It’s a perfect excuse.
All in all, “it’s a great way to win money and crush your kids’ spirits. Plus, you look like a hero ’cause you spent”—here Conan adopts one of his trademark shrieking, mocking accents—”family time watching the game with them.”
“And remember, always have them Venmo the money ’cause you do not know where that cash has been.”
At the end of the sketch, Conan narrates a warning that his scheme will only work on kids between six months and four years old.
“If any child older than four falls for this, you’ve got much bigger problems.”