The college admissions scandal that broke last week is the gift that keeps on giving. There’s the schadenfreude of seeing rich and powerful people finally get their richly deserved comeuppance for gaming the system, the genuine conversation that’s starting about how fucked up the college admissions process is even without crimes, and, of course, plenty of humor.
Because as grotesque as the story is, there’s no shortage of undeniably funny stuff about it, from the terrible Photoshop jobs to failsons subsequently embarrassing themselves to an amazing half a trillion dollar lawsuit. There’s plenty of inspiration for jokes from comedians professional and amateur. Here are our favorites.
Trauma Works As Well As Bribes
can’t believe rich parents actually pay for their kids to get into college instead of traumatizing them just enough to have a good admissions essay like mine did
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019
An Alternate Punishment
I feel like the best way for these rich moms to make amends to us for this college scandal thing would be for them to pay off my student loans.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 13, 2019
Becky Becomes an Adjective and a Verb
Aunt Becky using her rich white privilege to bribe her rich white kids’ way into USC might be the Beckyest thing to ever Becky.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 12, 2019
Now that the Hollywood Bribery Ring has been busted, the only thing helping rich kids get into college are legacy admissions, private tutors, board member connections, unpaid summer internships, interview coaches, and a lifetime of Ivy-bound grooming!!!
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 12, 2019
I got into college the old fashioned way: by letting my father’s celebrity speak for itself.
— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) March 12, 2019
Think of the Feds
Imagine working at the FBI and everyone around you is uncovering crimes by the President, and you get assigned to wiretap Aunt Becky for trying to get her dumb kid into college
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 12, 2019
A Rough Draft of the TV Movie
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: ur child was not accepted to our college
FELICITY HUFFMAN: then i will have to do a crime
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: u can just donate some money & we'll let em in
FELICITY HUFFMAN: a crime i shall do
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: just make a donation
FELICITY HUFFMAN: crime time
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 12, 2019
The Fargo Reunion Is Going to Be Awkward
Frances McDormand actually contacted colleges to request that they apply more stringent standards for her son.
— itsonlyzach (@itsonlyzach) March 12, 2019
If only there was a succinct turn of phrase these kids could have used to inform their parents they were not desirous of their life path… https://t.co/cxOTDI5J1B
— James Van Der Beek (@vanderjames) March 12, 2019
It’s the Internet, So Dogs Got Involved
dear usc admissions
my son kratu is a track and field star https://t.co/aNCyxMoMFj
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@aedwardslevy) March 14, 2019
Hermoine Didn’t Bribe Her Way In
For $500,000 my child better be getting into Hogwarts, forget USC. Damn Aunt Becky pic.twitter.com/Dqh0I2Y9mg
— Simone Scott (@Simone_Scott) March 12, 2019
Art$ and Craft$
just paid 425k to get my daughter into a Color Me Mine
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 13, 2019
Chrissy Teigen Has a Master’s in Photoshop
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 13, 2019
The Scandal Will Be Memeified
celebrity mom summoning circle, hope this works…
???? college ????
— Ayo Edebiri (@ayoedebiri) March 12, 2019
Desperate Housewives Was a Documentary All Along
— out of context desperate housewives (@DHnocontext) March 12, 2019
wow, turns out that money was the real Affirmative Action all along!
— gamer wife (@bijanstephen) March 12, 2019
We’d Watch This Movie
[Ivy League school water polo practice]
COACH: What the hell is going on here?
KID WHO OBTAINED A FRAUDULENT SCHOLARSHIP (attempting to calm down a terrified horse): Everything is fine.
— Mike Beauvais (@MikeBeauvais) March 12, 2019
And Finally, the Habsburgs Catch a Break
My son Bruntley got into Yale fair and square through the Habsburg Underbite Scholar program
— Emma (@Merman_Melville) March 12, 2019