The “Dad Bender” Is Real. These Are the 11 Funniest Examples
Dads have a new idea of letting loose when home alone.
Here is a secret to which most dads will admit: Left to their own devices for a few days, they partake in some moderately disgusting. Gorging on an entire pizza. Playing hours upon hours of video games. Farting, a lot. It’s the responsible dad bender: A modest sort of letting lose that involves such activities as stuffing their faces and not stifling bodily habits.
A dad bender isn’t malicious or heinous. Is it humorously slobbish, immature, and perplexing? Absolutely. And, while it doesn’t define all fathers, we’re willing to bet that a lot of do partake in a similar version of “letting loose”. So, in an effort to understand this better, we spoke to a bunch of dads around the country about what they do most often when they have some time to themselves. From porn watching and nose picking to pizza-gorging and open door pooping, here are some of the answers we received.
Letting ‘Er Rip
“My wife and I never fart around each other. When we were dating, it just never happened organically, for lack of a better word. So we never really had that first ‘OOPS!’, the embarrassment, and then the ‘Ah, it’s not such a big deal’ realization. Usually I run into another room if I have to fart but, when she’s away, I just park in front of the TV and turn the living room into the final scene from Twister. I don’t intentionally go nuts or anything but, if one does happen to creep up, it’s a no shame situation.” – Luis, 44, Ohio
“My big concern when my wife and kids are home is that, if I’m doing something by myself, I’m neglecting them. My boys are almost off to college, so I know that spending every moment with them is special. So, when they are away, I feel like I can get into my own hobby — playing the guitar — a little more freely, knowing there isn’t an opportunity right then to hang out with them. It’s not like I enjoy them being away, it’s just a nice, special occasion where I can appreciate time to myself.” – Jeremy, 45, New York
Pooping with the Door Open
“Poop with the door open. Have you ever done it? It’s so freeing. It’s the way we were meant to poop. I always seem to poop better when I’m home alone, too. Maybe it’s because I’m more relaxed about it? I’m not sure if there’s science to back this up, but I think pooping with the door open is good for your health. Big fan.” – Jared, 37, Pennsylvania
Getting the Boys Back Together
“My wife kind of hates my friends. They’re not bad guys. They’re just…a lot to handle. So, when she and my son are somewhere, I usually try to round up as many of them as I can for poker or video games or something. Like, a few weeks ago, my wife and son went to spend a weekend with her mother. So I had three of the guys over, and we really just hung out. We got drunk, watched football…it wasn’t anything scandalous. It’s just a fun, rowdy time. Every once in a while, it’s good to keep that going.” – Gary, 44, California
Spooning with My Dog
“I let the dog sleep in our bed. He’s a 100 pound Bernese. He’s my boy. And he’s not allowed to sleep in the bed. Especially considering how big he is. There just isn’t enough room. So, when my wife isn’t there, I let him climb up and chill, and then we usually end up falling asleep. It’s like a giant teddy bear. He’s all soft and warm. And he snores! Like, these cute, endearing snores. Not like my wife. Don’t tell her that.” – Ryan, 38, Montana
“I mean, does porn count? That’s usually a big go-to when I’m home alone. I’m sure my wife suspects it. I mean, guys look at porn, right? It’s just easier to do when she’s not around. I can use a laptop instead of my phone. I can turn the sound up. If I’m gonna do it, I can take my time. And there’s no pressure that someone’s going to bust in unannounced. Knock on wood.” – Michael, 35, Indiana
Bingeing on the Classics
“So, this is a very stupid, very specific one. I grew up watching Beavis & Butthead. To me, that was the pinnacle of comedy. At least animated comedy. When we started dating, I tried to get my wife to watch it with me. She completely no-sold it. Didn’t think it was the slightest bit funny. Needless to say, I don’t get to partake in it much when she’s around. Plus, it’s not exactly the best show for our young kids. But when they’re gone? I’m like a kid on Saturday morning. I put on the DVDs, and just binge all day. Every once in a while I’ll ask my wife, ‘Are you threatening me?!’ She totally doesn’t get it.” – Brian, 36, Ohio
Having an Affair…With a Large Cheese Pizza
“We have this pizza place down the street that makes the best fucking pizza I’ve ever tasted. My wife and I do Weight Watchers, though, so I rarely, rarely get to enjoy it. There have been times when she’s gone out of town for work, and the kids are at school, that I’ll order a whole pizza and eat it myself for lunch before they get home. It’s like the ‘gluttony’ guy in Se7en. I hide the box in my car, then trash it in the dumpster at work. I clean all the dishes. No evidence. It’s like having an affair, but with pizza.” – Michael, 34, Texas
Making a Big (Organized) Mess
“Honestly, I just make a mess. My wife gets super anxious about clutter. Like, she’ll have a panic attack if the coffee table isn’t cleared of debris. I try to be as sensitive as I can to it and, to be honest, it is nice having a really clean house. But, by nature, I’m a ‘spread out’ kind of guy. If I’m working on something, I use the whole room. The last time she spent a day hanging out with her friends, I worked on my taxes. I had receipts and forms all over the living room. On the table, on the chair, on the floor. It was my organized chaos. By the time she got home, everything was picked up, and clutter free. I’m a neatness ninja.” – Matt, 36, Ohio
Picking My Nose
“I’m a nose picker. My wife can’t stand it, and I don’t want my kids to see it. To be fair, it is gross. But, I don’t know, I just have better luck excavating than blowing my nose. When I’m home alone, all bets are off. My finger is up my nose probably 75 percent of the time I’m awake. My favorite thing is picking in bed, then rolling the boogers into little balls and flicking them across the room in the dark. They bounce off of stuff and make this little, ‘Tick…Tick…Ticktick…” sound. Don’t act like you’ve never done it.” – Paul, 36, Connecticut
Playing Call of Duty For Hours
“My big indulgence is gaming. I’m sure that’s not unique. But, yeah, I’m a big online gamer. So, when I’m home alone, I usually just sign on and play for hours and hours. It’s hard to explain to your wife the concept of wanting to game for, like, four hours. But, I enjoy it. I play with my kids, too, but they’re too young to get into some of the more complex games. Maybe one day. But for now, I look forward to alone time where I can just snipe 4th graders playing Call of Duty for all day.” – Kirk, 36, Oregon