How Your Wife Can Have Better Orgasms, From A Legit Sex Educator Who Lifts Coconuts With Her Vagina

Oh, there are lots of ways to spice things up in the bedroom: Things that buzz. Things that clamp. Things that turn your bedroom into an Olympic floor routine. But one thing you and missus might not have considered: Vaginal weight lifting.

Kim Anami, sex educator and practitioner of “vaginal kung fu,” says that you can snicker all you want, but she can lift a coconut with her hoo-ha (think ball and chain, except the handcuff is an egg-like object she can insert in herself) and has 20 mind-blowing orgasms per romp. But it’s not just about a workout routine for the vagina. Her tips to “bed-shaking, neighbor-complaining” sex are 3-fold: Start with a good mental place (because as Jackie Treehorn says, “the mind is the biggest erogenous zone”), follow up with a quiet spot (because your neighbors are probably your kids), and then dive into that CrossFit routine for your private parts.

Here are Anami’s tips to create those killer orgasms that will lead to wanting more orgasms — that will eventually lead to dehydration and exhaustion.

Arrange Sex Dates

Before commencing your sexploration of mom’s Venus, you might want to call a babysitter and carve out a few hours. “Set it up 2 or 3 times a week. Air out things hanging in the ether. Don’t talk about the daily debrief — talk about the status of your relationship.”

What else should you be doing during this manned mission to her Innerspace? “You just need to be naked and intimate together and some kind of agenda, like ‘We’re going to find your G-Spot tonight.’ I wouldn’t run through a whole circuit, but have one or 2 goals.”

Focus On Your Stamina

“There’s a Taoist saying, ‘Men are like fire, quick to ignite and quick to extinguish. Women are slow to boil, but keep on boiling’,” says Anami. That means your 2-minute maintenance sex once the kids are asleep isn’t doing enough for your relationship.”Women need a deeper emotional release. A guy who can go the distance can take them there. If a man bails too quick, she’s just going to find reasons to do the laundry.” Don’t too feel bad. The laundry is done!

Mechanics Are 10 Percent

Anami says that if all you’re doing is “come hither” motions, congratulations on mastering the least important part. “Mechanics are 10 percent. Connection is most of it. In order to have deep vaginal orgasms, women need to surrender. She can’t feel any humiliation or lack of confidence in you. Part of the workout is to help her foster this. Spend some time manually exploring the vagina as a regular thing. Include lots of foreplay and spend time in other places building. And even in the vagina, spend a lot of time exploring.”

All Women Are Multiorgasmic

You probably had this idea in high school that giving a woman an orgasm was like crossing the finish line, when in fact, her race is more relay than a 100-meter dash. “One [orgasm] is never enough. All women are multi-orgasmic. They can have cervical and g-spot orgasms,” says Anami. She can also sense your skepticism.

“You can pop off with a clitoral orgasm — and in our culture that’s thought of the end all, be all. If women have had most clitoral experiences, it’s like having a chocolate bar instead of a gourmet meal. All women are capable of deeper vaginal orgasms, and it’s not a sentiment shared by everyone. When women are given the right tools they can get there.” What should be in your toolbox (besides your tool)? See here.

Now, About That Vaginal Weightlifting

If you can’t talk to your wife about all your deep, dirty desires, then what are you doing? But some topics take a Billy Dee Williams-level of finesse. Like insinuating that the mother of your children could be, um … tighter?

“It’s all about energy,” says Anami. “Approach it with a bit of humor and without negativity. Don’t just come out of the blue like criticism. Vaginal kung fu is a provocative thing because I lift with my vagina. But in other countries it’s normal for women to shoot ping pong balls out of their vagina.” How has National Geographic never done a documentary about that?

Carry That Weight

Your wife’s OB probably told her that “doing her kegels,” the squeezing exercise popularized by Dr. Kegel in 1947, was a good way to whip her postpartum vagina back into shape. “They’re useless and they don’t work,” says Anami. Basically, she says that squeezing and contracting to build muscle is about the same as you flexing your bicep a couple of times and expecting to get ripped. Instead, you need to add some weight. Hence, vaginal weightlifting.

So, you’ve actually succeeded in convincing her (congratulations?) — what next? One piece of gear Anami advocates is the jade egg — small stones that come in different sizes and act like free weights down below. Because if it’s good enough for a civilization that’s thousands of years old, it’s good enough to hide in your underwear drawer.