Chances are, your kid will walk in on you when you’re having sex. Sex is part of healthy, happy marriage, and kids are curious, sneaky creatures who have a tendency to pop in at the exact wrong moment. Even if you’ve fixed your squeaky bed and 99 percent of the time take all the proper precautions, keep the volume down, and master the art of the quickie, you’re bound to have a night or two when things get, um, loud or you forget to lock the door. It happens. We spoke to seven dads whose kids caught them in the act and can attest to this. And while, yes, the moment can be unbearably uncomfortable, it can also be hilarious, tender, and a good teaching experience. It’s also always memorable.
We Didn’t Bat an Eye
We have twin boys. When they were 4, they were inseparable. Where one went, the other went. The same went for one when the other got up in the middle of the night. My wife and I were doing our thing one night, and I heard a giggle. Then I heard a second giggle. Great, I thought. Then I watched their heads peek in, one above the other through the door, which was ajar. They saw we were awake and bolted toward the bed. Now, my wife and are pretty open with our kids. We’ve had a lot of discussions about not showing shame around sexual activities. We both grew up in homes where it was never discussed or even frowned upon as lewd, or whatever. So, when they came in, we didn’t bat an eye. We stayed under the sheets and they came in over the sheets and we all fell asleep together that night. Honestly, looking back, it was a nice memory. — Shane, 48
“Oh, My God!”
Yeah, it happened. My daughter, who was 11 at the time, walked in one afternoon when my wife and I were having some alone time. It was a Saturday and she was hanging out with the kids down the street, so we took advantage of our time together and started going at it in the family room. Yeah, not a great idea. But whatever. As it happened, she came in and saw us. She’s dramatic, so she yelled out “Oh, my god!” and then bolted away. My wife got dressed and chased after her. They had a nice long chat which, I’m told, went well. It was a mother-daughter moment. She didn’t ever bring it up with me. — Chris, 41
“Oh, Hey, Buddy, What’s Up?”
It happened a few years ago. Our son was in bed. We were being very quiet about it — it wasn’t like hotel room sex or anything. He quietly walked into the room, though, and we didn’t hear him. I honestly don’t know how long he was in there. But I felt eyes on me, stopped, and there he was. We were under the sheets, so I don’t think he saw too much. But I just causally said, “Oh, hey, buddy, what’s up?” and he wanted a drink of water. Crisis averted? — Steve, 44
Were You Guys Playing?
One night after the kids were in bed, my wife and I had some wine and were a little bit more, um, amorous, than normal. We must’ve been a bit loud is what I’m saying. And we were in the middle of it when our oldest, who is 7, walked in. I was in a position to see him enter the room, stand there looking spooked for 15 seconds, and then rush out.
We stopped what we were doing. My wife was a bit worried. I was too. But then I made her laugh by referencing that Will Ferrell outtake from Eastbound & Down when he played that car dealer Ashley Schaeffer and has this ridiculous monologue where he says ‘My plums!’ a lot. So I just said, do you think he saw my plums? That made her laugh and she calmed down, and I told her I would handle this. Then, I left to talk to him.
I was pretty nervous going to approach him. It wasn’t about the topic — my wife and I are very sex positive people. It was more about not saying anything dumb to ruin it. So I took a beat and then entered.
He was awake and I sat at the foot of his bed. I told him that I saw him come into our room and then asked him if he had any questions about what he saw. He looked at me for a minute — he’s a thoughtful kid — and just asked, “Were you guys playing?”
Now, I could’ve responded by lying and saying that, Yes, mom and I were just playing around. But that wouldn’t be honest. Instead, I said, “Sort of. We were having fun but we were doing something adults do called sex.”
He didn’t ask what sex was. Instead, he asked, “Who won?” Which has got to be one of the funniest things he’s ever said not on purpose. I laughed. He did, too. Then I said, “Your mother. She’s better at it than me.” — Justin, 34
Changing the Old Lightbulb
We went out for our anniversary a few years ago. Got a babysitter. Fancy restaurant. We don’t get out much, so we celebrated. We ate good food, got drunk, and seeing as the kids were in bed when we got home, took things to the bedroom. Like I said, we were drunk and having that good, drunken anniversary sex. I guess we were too loud. Both our kids pounded on the door — thank god it was locked. Our daughter yelled, “What is going on in there? We’re trying to sleep!” as though she was an elderly neighbor. We said we were trying to change a lightbulb and daddy fell. I think they believed us. My wife and I had a good laugh after that.— James, 36
And This Is Why We Knock
My 6-year-old walked in on us when we were buck naked. Nothing we could really do about it. I took him back to his room, explained to him what we were doing, why we were doing it, and that it’s a completely natural thing. I finished by saying “And this is why we knock.” He knocked ever since. — Lawrence, 52
There’s Something in the Tent!
We were camping one summer. In separate tents. Kids in one. My wife and I in the other. My wife crawled into my sleeping bag and we started going at it. There was a raccoon that started scratching on the kids tent in the middle of the night, they freaked out and ran into our tent. The site of my sleeping bag, wriggling around like a giant worm, freaked them out more than the raccoon. They ran over, thinking there was an animal in our tent, too, and yelled, “There’s something in the tent!” before unzipping the bag. No animal. Only mom and dad. Pretty much naked. Good times. — Carlos, 34