Sarah and Robert have a pretty great sex life despite being the busy parents of a two-year-old boy named Liam. They manage to be intimate a few times a week and, though some of it is just going through the motions, they’re largely satisfied. They find time to experiment, to laugh, and to get drunk on date nights (occasionally). While they say their sex life has changed a lot since they became parents, the couple — married for six years, together for ten — speak openly about their romantic life in a way that’s not really possible for people struggling with disappointment or sexual misalignment. They’re very open with each other about everything. Well, almost everything. There’s the whole Sailor Moon costume and neon wig thing. And the BDSM stuff — more on that later.
Fatherly spoke to the happily married couple about their sex life and how parenthood has changed their romantic relationship.
The Couple: Sarah and Robert
Ages: 32 (Him) 35 (Her)
Years Married: 6
Years Together: 10
Number of Kids: One: A 2-year-old boy named Liam.
Location: Dallas, Texas
Occupations: Financial Advisor (him); stay-at-home mom (her)
Broadly speaking, how has having a kid changed your sex life?
Robert: We’re just busy. We’re adults now. I’m at work. She’s at home. When we were first married, we were having a lot of sex. Multiple times a day.
Sarah: We were. Now, like I said, it’s mostly at night. But it’s still fine (laughs). Morning sex is pretty much out of the picture.
Robert: It is. Unless we count me waking you up at 4 a.m. to have sex because I can’t sleep.
Sarah: Yeah, but that never works.
Robert: It did once!
Sarah: We were on vacation.
Robert: We were.
Sarah: If we weren’t I would’ve murdered you. But, we communicate a lot more these days. Now we have to be more thoughtful of who’s tired and when and what kinds of stresses are going on. It’s great but it takes a bit more work. Everything does.
How often do you have sex?
Sarah: About once a week.
Robert: Sometimes two or three times!
Sarah: I said about.
Robert: Yes, you did. About once a week.
How would you describe your sex life?
Robert: Yes. It’s okay. By okay, I mean good.
Sarah: Then say good!
Robert: It’s good. We’ve been together long enough that we know what the other likes and enjoys. But, often, we have sex — and it’s good. It’s a bit routine sometimes because we make sure to do it once a week and sometimes we’re just tired and it’s a lot of “okay, let’s make this quick.”
Sarah: Yeah, I’d agree. We know one another so well now that we do know what the other likes, so if it’s taking too long I can just hop on top and get the job done for both of us.
Robert: Yeah, she can.
Sarah: We have heard stories from friends who haven’t had sex in, like, a year. We didn’t want that to be the case for us. I don’t think it would ever be, but after those conversations with friends we both sort of looked horrified at one another and agreed that we’d never be like that. So, we are pretty intentional about it.
Robert: I couldn’t last. I need to have sex with my wife. That’s always been the case, you know?
Do you guys ever schedule sex?
Sarah: Like, calendar it out? No. We’re not old, boring, wrinkly people.
Robert: I have friends who do this. But, no. I don’t need a Google calendar to tell me to bang my wife.
When was the last time you guys would say you had really fantastic sex?
Both: A few weeks ago.
Robert: That was our last date night. Got a babysitter. We went out to dinner downtown, had some nice cocktails beforehand. It was a good night.
Sarah: Yeah, we broke a lamp.
Robert: Yeah. We were just very active that night. I had my Fitbit on (laughs). Burned a lot of calories.
Sarah: And we were trying something new and he kicked the lamp.
What were you trying?
Sarah: It’s something called “The Amazon” position. He lays on his back and spreads his legs behind him and I hold his legs back and sort of grind on him. It was pretty good!
Robert: Yes. It’s a little strange at first. But pretty great.
Sarah: One of our couple friends, who are very adventurous, told us about it. So, it was in our heads I guess. And when we were doing it, he kicked a lamp off our bedside table.
Robert: I did.
So, it sounds like you guys are pretty adventurous when it comes to trying new things.
Robert: To an extent. I mean, it’s all relevant, isn’t it? We don’t compare ourselves to other couples. We get ideas from them, sure, but.…
Sarah: He totally compares us. There are times when you’ll say, “We have to do it tonight! Chris and his wife do it every day!”
Robert: That’s true. But it works.
Sarah: We’re competitive.
What about other adventurous or new things? You guys have been together for a while. Do you dapple with BDSM or anything else on that end of the spectrum?
Robert: No. Personally, that’s not something that really interests me.
Sarah: I’d try it.
Robert: You would?
Sarah: Sure! How would we know if we liked it? I just don’t want to have, like, a secret section of closet that has leather outfits and riding crops that Liam will one day stumble upon and be horrified by. But one day.
Robert: Saving that for when we’re empty nesters.
Quickies are usually pretty important to busy parents. Crucial? Difficult? Necessary?
Robert: We’re not really a, “Hey, let’s do it in the car for five minutes!” couple. It’s just not our style. We find time when we’re in the bedroom.
Sarah: Yeah, we’re pretty bedroom-based.
Robert: I like being comfortable. We don’t need to bang on the kitchen floor just because.
Sarah: But there are days when we’re like… “Liam is napping. The laundry is folded. Let’s do this!” and will run to the bedroom.
Robert: He’s also a pretty sound sleeper, knock on wood. And, no, he’s never walked in on us.
Robert, what’s one thing you’d like to try in bed that you haven’t yet.
Robert: Maybe some sexy costumes?
Sarah: Like what?
Robert: Okay, so I love anime. Maybe a Sailor Moon skirt and a bright wig?
Robert: Yeah, I guess.
Sarah: Okay. Something to keep in mind. What else?
Robert: This is weird.
Sarah: No it’s not. Tell me!
Robert: Fine. I want you to spend more time with my balls.
Sarah: Okay. I’m taking notes. You just have to shave down there more often.
Robert: Why didn’t you tell me anything!
Sarah: No reason. It’s not a big deal. But if you want me down there more often, which I’m fine with, then I want it better maintained.
Sarah, what about you?
Sarah: Like I said, trying BDSM would be fun. I guess I’d like to be surprised a bit more often. “Here’s a blindfold. Put it on.” And then there’s some ice cubes or a feather or something involved. Occasionally I’d like to change things up without me needing to ask for something different.
Robert: Okay. I can do that.
Robert …And what?
Sarah: I wouldn’t be opposed to him incorporating my vibrator from time-to-time. Sometimes I just need that extra push. And it works. Every time.
What’s the best thing about your sex life?
Sarah: We have good chemistry. We always have. From the start, we just always had this attraction.
Robert: We slept together on the first date.
Sarah: We did. I thought it was just a fling.