Everything You Need To Know About Parenting In 13 Kevin Hart Quotes

He thinks your kid's an a-hole and deserves to be bullied — by you.

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Like Louis CK and Jim Gaffigan before him, Kevin Hart owes much of his stand-up success to absurd and obscene stories of fatherhood. If you think you can’t learn anything from a guy who went from having a crackhead dad to raising a pair of too-smart-for-their-own-good kids, consider this: Hart thinks your kids are a-holes and need to be bullied — by you. Paying attention yet?

On Reminding Them Who Paid For All This:

“My kids know I’m a big deal. They’re very aware. I let them know every day, I say, ‘Look, daddy’s a big deal.'”

On Not Letting Them Get Spoiled:

“My daughter got right to the point. ‘Dad, are we rich? Are we rich, yes or no?’ I said, ‘We’re doing well, but understand why. When you work hard, you put your mind to something, anything can happen, and that’s what I want you to do.’ My daughter’s so smart she goes, ‘Just answer my question. Are we rich?'”

On Kids Not Being As Cuddly As They Seem:

“I didn’t know you could get mad at kids to the point where you want to fight. Kids are assholes. My daughter is an asshole. We argue — she can’t even talk.”

On How Having Kids Changes Things:

“I know I’m getting older now because of my kids. I’m starting to fuss a lot. The older you get, that’s what you do. When you got more than 1 kid, you just wake up angry. ‘Hey! Who got the, uh, thing with the, shit! Hey! Heads in beds right now!’ I dont’ even know what that means. ‘Heads in beds!’ That’s my shit.”

On Standing Up For Each Other:

“I think kids play too rough. Me and this boy got into it at Chuck E. Cheese’s. It wasn’t a fight, it was an altercation. My baby was in the balls and he was throwing the balls at her head. I’m like, ‘Throw a ball back!’ I was mad at the way my family looked as a unit. My daughter’s taking balls to the face, my son’s shaking his head and slobbering, I’m small — we look like a f—kin circus act! I’ve never been so mad at my wife in my life. I’m like, ‘Why would you dress us in different colors? We look like clowns! From now on, solid colors when we go out. We look like a team!'”

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On Bullying Your Own Kids:

“I tease my kids. I’m big on that. Like, My kids have big heads, I tell them every day like, ‘Dude, your heads are huge. It’s so disgusting how big your heads are.’ I say it before anybody else does. That’s part of my parenting. I’m preparing my kids for what other people are gonna say. You’re not gonna hit my kids with something and get a reaction; they’ve heard it all from me.”

On The Best Fatherly Advice Ever (From A Crackhead):

“The one piece of advice my dad has given me is not to be a bitch. That’s it. ‘Hey! Don’t be a bitch.’ ‘What does that mean? You want to dive into that a little bit, dad?’ ‘You being a bitch right now asking me that.’ ”

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On Babysitting:

“I don’t like babysitting. I don’t like watching my kids by myself — too much pressure. No man does. All we do is sit on the couch and listen for shit. That’s how we watch our kids. Kids do whatever they want when they’re with dad. ‘Hey! Hey! I know y’all not in that toilet!'”

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On An Honest Appraisal Of Infants:

“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”

On Remembering It’s About Them, Not You:

My dad was mad at me because I wasn’t an athlete. I didn’t play sports. I was into weird shit like spelling bees and debates. But my dad would show up at my events and treat them as if they were athletic events. You can’t cheer for no kid at a spelling bee. It’s a spelling bee, it’s quiet!

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On Toughening Them Up:

“You know what made me a man? Public transportation. You want to toughen a kid up? Throw a kid on a bus with the most random group of people he’ll ever see in his life. Also that, at any given time in my neighborhood you could die. I had that neighborhood … The thing that made me into who I am, my kids will never experience.”

On Sending The Right Signals:

A neck tattoo says, ‘I gave up, think whatever you wanna think.’ How do you go to your parent teacher conference with a neck tattoo that says ‘F—k Life?’ And how are you talking about your kid not doing what he’s supposed to. ‘Well, I gotta talk to him.’ ‘Well sir, maybe we should have somebody talk to you both.'”

On Things You Learn As Your Kids Get Older:

“I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I thought my baby was a dumb baby. But now I realize he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit.”

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