The following was brought to you by Breeders, home to the best parent rants on television. Mondays at 10 pm on FX. Now Streaming on FX on Hulu.
To celebrate Breeders, the hilariously honest comedy that celebrates parenthood without sugarcoating it, we’ve collected prime examples of great parent rants. They may make you laugh, they may make you cry, and they’ll definitely remind you that we parents are all in the same crowded, germ-infested, sleepless boat. Here’s to enjoying the breeze.
The Dad Who Hates Elaborate Birthday Parties
What used to be a simple afternoon of controlled chaos — a bunch of kids bouncing off of each other, pausing only for cake and presents — is now an elaborate production that’s more about the parents’ egos than the kids’ enjoyment. Jimmy J. Tran, a dad of soon-to-be 8-, 6-, and 4-year-old kids offers up a rant that perfectly captures how strange the whole affair has become:
I’m not sure when the whole birthday scene escalated to epic proportions, but it is currently insane. Birthdays used to be about the birthday kids, but now it appears to be a quasi-wedding complete with deposits, contracts, decor, strict instructions and my favorite — party favors! Parents get stressed, spend lots of money and don’t want more toys, so they employ “no gift” policies. So, we go through all this effort and our kids end up upset because they didn’t get any gifts!
Pain Only a Parent Knows:
“I would die for those kids, Ally, but I want to kill them.” “Yeah it’s a conundrum, isn’t it? Trying to work out which duvet to suffocate them with.” “Well, the tiger one’s thicker.” – Paul and Ally, mom and dad on Breeders.
The Mom Who Had It With Slow School Drop-Offs
Sometimes it’s the little annoyances that inspire the biggest rants. Case in point: One mom who could not sit idly by while other parents wasted her time every single morning. She posted this pitch-perfect rant to Facebook:
I’m only going to say this once. If you have to bathe and dress your kid, comb their hair, scramble them an egg, and write them a send-off letter before they can exit the car, YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THE SCHOOL DROP-OFF LINE. Only people who raised their kids to jump out of the car with backpacks loaded like they are storming the beaches of Normandy while the car is at a slow roll are allowed in the drop-off line. I will be giving stink eye warnings today, but tomorrow I’m issuing citations.