Get Your Bag Of Frozen Peas And Read My Worst-Case-Scenario Vasectomy Story
It did not go as planned.
The following was syndicated from DadNCharge for the Fatherly Forum, a community of parents and influencers with insights about work, family, and life.
My vasectomy went as planned. It was done by a top surgeon in the area that specializes in this procedure. Vasectomy doctors have lots of funny names. Some of them in my area at the time were named Dr. Gentile and Dr. No.
My wife and I talked about the pros and cons of a vasectomy. She cited college, savings, groceries, and budgeting concerns. My contribution? We were going to have all kinds of sex in crazy places since we would be unencumbered by those pesky birth control things. Yes. I am a dreamer. In the end, we decided that we were truly blessed with the 3 healthy kids that we did have and decided it was the “right” thing to do.
Pregnancy is an awesome time because of what you are looking forward to but you women have it rough. It’s truly amazing what you put your bodies through for us. My wife wasn’t looking forward to those issues that came along with it. I think that I had finally convinced her that V-Day for my junk was a good thing. I told her that if I was staying at home, watching 3 kids was my limit. One kid, one on one is pretty easy. It’s when you go from one to 2 or 2 to 3 where kids are going to get left behind.
I was apprehensive about the procedure. I have never had any kind of surgery and have only broken my big toe in gym class playing indoor soccer. I’ve only been in the hospital twice that I can remember. Once, for being so constipated my mom had to feed me some medicine that made me poop like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber. The second time I had pneumonia and only really remember reading comic books and playing checkers while I recovered.
I read all the literature about what could go wrong, how it was a permanent fix, and mostly about how insurance covers the vasectomy procedure but if you wanted it reversed, you were going to have to pony up $10,000 of your own money. Yeah, well that’s not going to happen for any amount of money.
The procedure itself wasn’t so bad. Laying buck naked from the waist down with your legs spread, you know what I am talking about ladies. The doctor took care of my naughty bits with care. Tried to talk to me about football while he was slicing and dicing. I was a little worried when he found out I was a Bears fan because he was a hardcore Eagles fan. I probably should have said “Oh, you like the foosball?” and changed the subject, afraid he was going to take something extra out of there that I really needed.
I have never had any kind of surgery and have only broken my big toe in gym class playing indoor soccer.
Then he said something I will never forget. “Ok, now I am going to pull on your vas deferens, which is going to feel like I am repeatedly kicking you in the balls.” The what now?
It was exactly as described. If you’ve ever had your kids jump on you or hit you with some kind of projectile you know that exact feeling. If you are a guy, you are probably thinking of that aching that rises up in your stomach. If you are a girl, you are probably laughing. Nut shots never get old unless you are on the receiving end.
Then he said “You may feel some heat as I will be burning the ends. Huh? Watching smoke rise from between my legs while he cauterized the ends kind of freaked me out. With the anesthesia, I didn’t feel anything down there but the pressure. It felt like someone was stepping on my groin but I was thinking about what I witnessed as my wife pushed our kid’s heads out of her va-jay-jay and thought “Stop being such a pussy!”
What I didn’t expect was my wife in the waiting room crying. “It’s all so permanent.” she said tearfully. Yes honey, and there is no way they are ever going to open up my coin purse again. I walked gingerly to the car and swung my 6’7″ frame into the car. I thought back to when my wife and I were taking my son home from the hospital after his circumcision, and how he screamed in agony as the 5-point harness hit all the wrong areas. I prayed that my wife could avoid any potholes for the next 20 minutes.
I recovered fine. I enjoyed being waited on by everyone while I was laid up and reliant on a bag of frozen peas that we marked “Chris’ peas” so we wouldn’t serve a bag that had spent significant time in close proximity to my nuts. It was the recovery period after the painkillers wore off that changed me.
I have never been the same since the procedure. Complications from a vasectomy are rare, but what they don’t tell you is that 60 percent of guys will suffer from something called a sperm granuloma. A sperm granuloma is a traffic jam of sperm who are making their way through their usual route only to realize that it has become a dead end.
If you are a guy, you are probably thinking of that aching that rises up in your stomach. If you are a girl, you are probably laughing.
Your body doesn’t realize what is happening and can’t absorb those little suckers fast enough. This traffic jam materializes in your scrotum as a hard ball. Now, imagine walking around with a hard Cat’s Eye sized marble between your legs that repeatedly knocks against something every time you walk. People who saw me afterwards thought I had just ridden a horse. No, it’s just my swollen nutsack, don’t mind me.
The doctor said that it was pretty common and that steroids would knock it out. Eventually, my body would get used to it, and absorb the sperm back into my tissues. Yes. I just said sperm going into my tissues. After treatments of a steroids to get rid of the granuloma, I began experiencing Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. This is a pain in your ass groin. A dull, aching feeling that affects your sex drive and can cause painful ejaculation. Those are 2 words that should not go together.
I went to a urologist to have this checked out. This was my first time visiting this guy. Probably the worst observation while waiting in a urologist’s room whom you have never met before is that the latex glove box was emblazoned with XXL SIZE. What does this guy have for fingers I thought… Sausages? You can imagine my discomfort.
I knew what was about to happen and knowing that was the only way to be sure didn’t make it easier. Long story short, my prostate was enlarged and swollen which affected everything else. I started to freak out because my dad had prostate cancer. I had read that vasectomy could be linked to prostate cancer but the doctor later tells me that my blood work is clear and so is my urine. After 3 rounds of different antibiotics, the inflammation goes away. However, it keeps coming back.
I was fine before the surgery, never had any problems, so I am attributing this to the change in my inner workings. So now, occasionally, I have flare ups. My prostate acts up and apparently I now suffer from chronic prostatitis. Sometimes I have to pee so frequently that you might think I am a 90-year-old man and not a 38-year-old man. I am getting older, but this is ridiculous. After a few weeks of this, I head back to the urologist.
He tells me that I have to give up caffeine. That caffeine especially in coffee and pop can cause the swelling. So, I can’t drink coffee for the caffeine, which for a blogger is 25 percent of your content. I can’t post about the best part of waking up because there is no kick in my cup. On the positive side, since I have given up caffeine, I have not suffered from my usual migraines which I used to get at least once a month, so at least I have that going for me.
Sometimes I have to pee so frequently that you might think I am a 90-year-old man and not a 38-year-old man.
My urologist sees me occasionally now and he regularly asks me if I am getting any. He explains that I have to keep things moving down there. Clear the pipes so to speak.
Last time and every time I have been there he says to me, “Have you been having sex with your partner or yourself regularly?”
I say, “Define regularly. I mean, I do alright.”
He says, “Well, you need to ejaculate every 2 days. Either it can be with your partner or yourself.”
I say, “Can I get a prescription for that? Because my wife will never believe me.”
DadNCharge is a proud stay-at-home dad who writes about parenting.
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