Fatherhood is all about sacrifice. Specifically, giving up your home office or your favorite toys to make way for Junior’s endless pile of stuff. Your stellar ability to keep said child alive does merit some form of reward, but if that excuse won’t fly with your spouse, try the one your mother-in-law uses to stuff your kid’s closet full of clothes that don’t fit: they’ll grow into it eventually. Or don’t make an excuse at all and just keep playing. Remember, it’s the kid’s job to grow up, not yours.
M1A2 Abrams Airsoft RC TankThis realistic, scale reproduction of the Army’s and Marine Corps’ primary tank emits smoke and realistic sound effects and recoils when the 320-degree rotating turret blasts BBs upwards of 25 meters. The thing is no joke, so none is needed to convince you that you want it, but yeah, the neighbor kids will learn to drive their RC cars in reverse right quick when they see you coming.
M1A2 Abrams Airsoft RC Tank ($270)
Behold, the circular, modern upgrade to the toy your mom dedicated her life to preventing you from obtaining. Dennis the Menace has nothing on this thing, whose accuracy is exceeded only by the terror it inflicts on tin cans and squirrels — it fires projectiles up to 350 feet per second. Did they mention it also shoots arrows? Yes, yes they did. Who wants to play William Tell?
Pocket Shot ($25)
Funko Seinfeld Vinyl Idolz Figures
This collection from Funko is perfect for the guy who responds to every life situation with a Seinfeld quote rather than a reasoned, adult comment, especially if that tendency long ago stopped amusing your wife. Teach your kid to say, “Hello, Newman” or “No soup for you!” or introduce them to Festivus with the help of an aluminum pole-toting Frank Costanza. Treasure these precious moments — one day they’ll defeat you in the Feats Of Strength.
Funko Seinfeld Vinyl Idolz Figures ($100, Full Set Of 6)Exploding Kittens: NSFW Edition
Shockingly, not every game from Kickstarter teaches kids to code. The most-backed one ever, created by the hilarious mastermind ofThe Oatmeal, isn’t for your kids at all. Not the NSFW Edition, anyway. The original is, but only if your kid likes Russian Roulette; players draw cards until they pick an Exploding Kitten, explode, and die. This version still has that, but adds boob wizards and butts.
Exploding Kittens: NSFW Edition ($20)Razor Crazy Cart XL
It was ok to hate Razor when they were just making annoying scooters that cluttered up the sidewalks, but then they go and make something like the Crazy Cart …. and totally redeem themselves! The XL is a dad-sized version of the kid’s cart, so you can challenge your own to some real-life Mario Kart.
Razor Crazy Cart XL ($700)DJI Phantom 3 Quadcopter
For the dad who has everything and wants to show that fact off to his neighbors really badly. The DJI Phantom series is the Rolls Royce of personal aerial photography, “taking every vacation, camping trip, and selfie to heights never thought possible.” Whatever you do, just make sure your child doesn’t let his fat little friend get his mitts on it. That kid is evil, seriously you guys.
Quadcopter Drone ($1240)Axis Drones AERIUS, The World’s Smallest Quadcopter
Or, if you’re new to drone piloting, start small, literally. “The World’s Smallest Quadcopter” is a fraction of the cost, it’s damn adorable, and it’s so teeny no one will flag you for buzzing the tower with an unregisteredaircraft. The only downside is your cat can put an end to all of it real quick with just a half-decent running start.
Axis Drones AERIUS, The World’s Smallest Quadcopter