8 Gifts For The Woman Who Made You A Father
Tis the season of miracles, and since there’s no greater miracle than childbirth, tis the season to honor the woman who brought that beautiful baby of yours into the world (who, despite what the seahorse wants you to think, played a more significant role in that process than you. Sorry, seahorse). You also might want to say “Thanks” for the thankless job of parenting, or just remind her that, yeah, you freakin’ love her. Whatever the sentiment, there’s a perfect gift. Try these 9 on for size (and don’t worry if they don’t fit. She loves returning almost as much as receiving).
For The Flicka Da WristThe Runwell features a polished gold case, midnight dial, sunflower leather band, and a date indicator box, so your wife can figure out what day it is while checking to see how late the kids are for whatever it is they were supposed to be ready for FIVE MINUTES AGO. And don’t call it a watch. For that kind of price, you get to bust out the SAT words. “Beautiful chronograph, honey!”
For The World TravelerThis carry-on is the maximum allowable size for all major airlines, meaning your wife can pack all her stuff and still have room for some of the kid’s gear. Okay, that’s a stretch, but it does comes in 4 sharp colors, includes a limited edition copy of the photography book The Places We Return To, and has a charger for your devices. Your kid will probably have to carry their own damn bag, though.
For The Beauty QueenYou have no clue how to buy beauty products, but you certainly can fill in a few blanks about your partner’s style. Seriously, if you’ve ever looked at her once, you can pick from choices like “Trendy,” “Classic,” “Curly Hair,” and “Fair Skin.” After that, she’ll be set up with a customized monthly box of makeup, skincare, haircare, and fragrance products, and you’ll look like a genius.
For The Non-Fat, Gluten-Free, No GMO, Crunchy Green GranolaWhen the all-kale juice diet isn’t enough, this thing combines a juicer and an ice cream machine to turn anything normally kept in a refrigerator drawer into a delicious mutant form of ice cream. To be fair, 100% natural, frozen fruit ice cream (substitute) would seem to be the natural evolution of the banana stand, and there’s always money in the banana stand.
For The Under-PamperedTuxedo-styled silk pajamas are the perfect combination of stylish and sexy. After the kids have worn themselves out on all their new presents and your in-laws have worn themselves out on Christmas dinner, you and the wife can sneak off and these become a gift for everyone involved. Provided you haven’t already worn yourselves out on parenthood.
For The ReaderThis essay collection by Michael Paterniti has been longlisted for the National Book Of The Year Award, probably on account of Paterniti’s writing being “humane, devastating, and beautiful,” “spellbinding,” and “expansive and joyful,” to quote the critics. Now, be honest with yourself — you’ve found a lot of incredible books for you both to read to the kids this year, but none of them can be described by those adjectives.
For The Obsessive iPhone PhotographerTimeshel users add photos from their camera, Instagram, or other feeds to their “story,” which gets printed at midnight on the last day of each month. Your wife will receive 10 or 30 photos depending on her subscription tier, which can be switched at any time. In addition to priceless keepsakes, Timeshel frees up priceless phone storage. Because $15 a month is still way cheaper than a 128 gig phone.