The Super Tuesday Swag Roundup For Adorable Little Non-Voters Of Every Political Stripe
Every election season is about pandering to your base. So while Americans already know where Bernie stands on banks (he doesn’t like them) and Trump stands on immigrants (he doesn’t like them), nobody has really captured the 0-to-5 demographic.
This Super Tuesday, more than a dozen states are up for grabs to determine a party’s nominee. Do your part by
buying this crap donating to your favorite candidate, and turn your child into a stumbling advertisement for a political hopeful while you’re at it.
Listen, this pacifier is great. Babies, they love this pacifier. And if those losers in the sandbox deny its greatness, they’re weak on immigration. Also, this particular binky has The Donald’s face on it so the message you’re sending out is “my baby wants to Make America Great Again” not “This billionaire is a giant baby.”
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Some Girls Are Born to Lead Kids’ Book
A story for every “budding leader,” this is one of the most recent illustrated kids’ books about Clinton’s life. It follows her inspirations story as a young lawyer, First Lady, and Secretary of State. Then there were a few dark years of the marriage, a bunch of Benghazi hearings, that business with her email server…
Bernie Sanders Bib
Union-made in America, with a yuge Bernie logo, this is perfect for your little Democratic Socialist. A bib also perfectly sums up your baby’s inability to say “Hey, I may throw up on myself, but I have never taken a penny from big Wall Street banks.”
John Kasich Horse Keychain
Like Kasich himself, it’s soft, pleasant, and something that your kid will promptly forget about in a few days. That logo on the front says “I vote for John Kasich” in super-basic font reminds and will remind everyone that a) John Kasich is a registered candidate and b) he has the support of keychain horses.
Ben Carson “Future Neurosurgeon” Onesie
Dr. Carson doesn’t want your child to make the same mistakes he did. If your kids want to be both a neurosurgeon and President of the United States, you go ahead and let them. Also, if they want to chase you around the house with a hammer yelling about aliens and pyramids, you know they’re on their way.
Ted Cruz Coloring Book
The coloring book is described as “a non-partisan, fact-driven view of how Texas Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz became a U.S. Senator. Fun Fact: Most coloring books are non-partisan. Let your little one support all of Cruz’s positions in every shade of the rainbow. Wait, not like rainbow — Cruz isn’t down with that.
Marco Rubio “My Parents Love Me” Onesie
Grammar and punctuation aside, this cute onesie will remind other parents that nobody cares about all that nurturing they’re doing if they’re not on Team Rubio. Because, as your kids will soon learn, the greatest gift is a parent’s (tax-deductable) love.