You don’t have a lot of time in your day (you barely have a moment to read this intro), which is why devices like Keurig coffee makers exist. They’re convenient, single-serve, single-handed devices, and if you had your way, there would be an appliance like this for every task in life. And while there may not be a Keurig for dirty diapers, at least there ones that do things like cook dinner and mix cocktails after a long night of having your hands full with a kid.
For The Daily Vitamins: Juicero
Everyone knows fruit is better than just its juice (which is nature’s Mountain Dew). Juicero mashes that fruit into a nutrition cup, using its cold-press juicing system. That means nutrient-dense, raw, organic fruit and veggie goodness from a pre-mixed pouch turns into drinkable vitamins in minutes. No washing, peeling, chopping, cleaning, or farmer’s marketing required.
Juicero ($699, Pre-order)
For Dinner After Working 10 Hours: Tovala Smart Oven
Like having a professional, live-in chef but without the awkwardness of them sharing your kids’ bathroom, the Tovala is a one-touch wizard oven that rapidly switches between heating methods (it’s baking! Now it’s steaming! Now it’s broiling!) to prepare fancy, pre-packaged meals in under 20 minutes. Just scan a barcode and hit start. The $10-$15 meals (what do you know about miso-glazed sea bass?) are delivered weekly from a rotating menu. And it can still heat up a bowl of mac and cheese just like your dumb microwave.
Tovala Smart Oven ($289, Pre-order for March 2017)
For Midnight Feedings: Gerber BabyNes
Some people enjoy carefully mixing a bottle of powdered formula in a dimly lit kitchen at 3 AM. And some people want fool-proof portioning when they can’t see straight. With Gerber BabyNes you drop the age-appropriate formula capsule into the machine (sadly, nothing for 35 – 40 year olds), hit the button, and let it spit out some formula in under a minute. Is it Wi-Fi enabled to track the feedings with an iPhone app? You know it is! Now if you can train an infant to push a button, there’s no reason to get out of bed.
Gerber BabyNes ($200)
For Your Own Microbrew: PicoBrew Pico
Even if you were brewing your own beer before having a baby, you sure as shit don’t have time now. Fortunately, the Pico is an idiot-proof homebrew machine that uses pre-packaged ingredient kits (from popular craft brewers like Abita, 21st Amendment, and Rogue Ales) to whip up 1.3-gallon mini-kegs in under 2 hours. Yay! Although it still takes a week to ferment. Boo! But, it also allow you to fine-tune the beer formula based on your personal tastes. Change the level of hops, less malt, or increase the alcohol by volume. That last one isn’t an option so much as a mandate.
PicoBrew Pico ($699, Pre-order for September 2016)
For Taco Tuesday: Flatev
Tacos are already a perfect food. But if you could make those tortillas fresh in your kitchen without grinding a single grain of cornmeal, you’d be more inclined to do it more than once a week. Flatev is an “artisan tortilla maker” (oooh, sick burn on Abuelita) that makes flour or corn tortillas in seconds. All you do is drop in a corn, chili, garlic, or cinnamon dough capsule in, hit start, and then calculate how many fresh shells your family is going to need to eat this year to amortize the cost.
Flatev ($399, Pre-order)
For Grown Up Time: CannaCloud
Apparently the internet of things now includes your old bong. If you want to smoke marijuana like a responsible 21st century adult, the CannaCloud is touted as the “world’s first single-use, pod-based cannabis vaporizer.” How does it work? (Dude, you already asked that.) It works by popping one of their pre-ground cannabis pods, including sativa, indica, hybrid, and CBD-only strains into the canister, hitting go, and getting a hit. Time to ask Alexa if she’s cool.
CannaCloud ($149, Available early 2017)
For Post Bedtime Routine Nightcap: Somber
Nobody has the energy to mix hand-crafted cocktails after the nightly 3 act tragedy that is bath time and bedtime. Somabar says relax. It’s your app-controlled “robot bartender” that can make up to 300 different mixed drinks using 6 removable pods filled with mixers and booze — and never asks for a tip. Select the cocktail and the strength you’d like (does it go to 11), and push the button. Just don’t let your wife catch you talking about her to it.
Somabar ($429, Pre-order)