No matter how hilarious you think it would be, you can’t stuff your house’s stockings with coal and capture everyone’s reactions on hidden camera. (But yeah, that’s hilarious.) You also can’t simply fall back on tradition and toss 3 oranges in there, because to a kid that’s just coal with a fresh coat of paint. Sorry, but you’re on the hook for these gifts that remind your loved ones just how much you’re willing to spend on them the week before Christmas, after you thought you’d finished all your shopping. Don’t worry, that’s pretty much the reason Prime exists. Happy one-clicking!
For The Wife
There’s not much you can give the person who carried your child that equals the gift they gave you, but hey, who doesn’t love a steamy, delicious cup of French-pressed coffee? This stocking is all about the creature comforts and niceties that make her life more enjoyable and just a little bit easier. Because you tried to buy her a week’s vacation at the spa, but it didn’t fit.
(1) Bodum Brazil 1-Liter 34-Ounce French Press Coffeemaker, $20 (2) Zippo Hand Warmer, $18 (3) Tile Phone, Key, And Item Finder, $25 (4) Mpow 3 in 1 Clip-On Smartphone Photo Lens, $15 (5) Karuna Clarifying Face Mask 4-Pack, $25 (6) Rejuvelle Handmade Spa Bomb Set, $27
For The Baby
When your kid doesn’t know their ass from their elbow, the goal of a stocking stuffer is 10 percent to find their favorite toy for the next 30 seconds and 90 percent to blast the cutest Christmas morning ‘gram EVER. Almost all of these will satisfy both requirements with absolutely no fear that they’ll be returned. Although, who returns a stocking stuffer? At least have the common courtesy to regift it at the daycare Secret Santa.
(1) Folkmanis Mini Spotted Owl Finger Puppet, $8 (2) Nino Percussion Egg Shakers, $8 (3) Babiators, $20 (4) Skip Hop Explore And More Roll Around Toy, $8 (5) Crawl DMC Onesie, $17
For The Little Kid
Your kid’s starting to grow up now, at least enough to throw a fit if the contents of their stocking don’t measure up to their discerning toddler taste. You won’t have to worry about that because magnetic blocks, balloon-powered boats, temporary tattoos, and everything else here is both little kid- and aesthete-approved. (Read: all the fun of the Fisher-Price stuff without the disdain from your hipster parent friends.)
(1) Tegu 8-Piece Magnetic Block Set With Pouch, $25 (2) Tattly Temporary Tattoos, $15 (3) Create A Road Tape And Car Playset, $20 (4) Schylling Balloon-Powered Boat, $7 (5) Kids Clearly Colorful Translucent Harmonica, $6 (6) Silver Superhero Eye Mask and Powerbands, $7
For The Bigger Kid
Christmas might be about the giving and the spirit of the season for you, but for your older kid, it’s business time. They’ve been good AF all year and their haul better damn well show it, even the gifts you stuff into a sock at the very last minute. Fortunately, there’s something here to appeal to all of their interests: building, exploring, sporting, creating, and Harry Potter.
(1) Gryffindor House Beanie, $11 (2) Toysmith 50 Guillow’s Sky Streak Glider, $6 (3) LEGO Creator Fast Car Set, $9 (4) Toysmith Mini Ping Pong, $7 (5) Ikea Hand-Powered Flashlight, $12 (6) Dinosaur Stencil Drawing Kit, $10