The new baby is here. This is an exciting time! Late nights, early mornings. Nesting! You need new baby products to line that proverbial nest. But let’s be real. We’re not exactly in an economic boom. We know your new baby is the golden child… but how much gold do you realistically need to spend? What does a newborn baby really need?
While it feels like Aidan could really use that antique elephant-bone rattle (Fabergé only made 12!), the truth is, baby gear has a shelf life and you probably shouldn’t spend too much on it. But people do. And though parenting impairs the judgment of even the most practical among us, we would also like to take a moment to poke fun at these outrageously beautiful and fancy baby products that are nicer than what most of us buy for ourselves.
Here are some of the most expensive, strangest, softest, and exceedingly well-engineered baby gear out there, for babies who, in their short time on earth, have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Cashmere Baby Blanket by Atelier Choux | $176
You will go through hundreds of swaddles when your newborn shows up. So who wouldn’t want to make sure that their li’l one was wrapped in a blanket made of cashmere. Cashmere, Georgey! CASHMERE! Except this swaddle retails for a whopping $176, which is quite a lot for a rag that will soon be covered in poop and spit-up. My apologies to Swedish designer Mattias Adolfsson, who seems like a sweetheart, but no blanket is worth more than a full year of Netflix.
“Bun Headband Bundle” by Emerson and Friends | $36
Ok, you think. This seems cheaper! Don’t let the “bundle” fool you. This is still a collection of baby headbands… which you will be buying for someone who has no hair. And even if you can get your baby to keep a headband on (bless you, patient parent), they don’t need it. It’s not like they’re suiting up for the early 2000s Trailblazers. Save your 36 bucks.
The Neel Cashmere Travel Suit by The House in the Clouds | $210
For the low price of $210 you can acquire this “travel” outfit that looks like your current work-from-home look. No travel outfit should cost as much as an actual airline ticket. Also, God bless the copywriter who wrote the product description: “You can wrap your baby up in a wind of softness.” I’m fairly certain my baby creates a “wind of softness” before they fill their diaper. This item is final sale for a reason.
Smart Changing Pad and Scale by Hatch | $150
I’m human, okay. I’m not immune to the siren song of a “smart” item. What man hasn’t thought “Maybe if I can open my garage door with my phone, I can finally exert some control over the chaotic dumpster fire that is existence.” But does your changing pad have to be “smart?” Does it have to cost $150 and weigh your baby? Maybe you have small packages to send and you want to know the postage? Otherwise, this is probably a bit too much for a changing pad.
Luca Glider by Monte | $1,095
Every parent wants a rocker. Nursing your baby, while you rock them to sleep…. Those peaceful golden moments. You are earth mother, you are Gaia, your rocker and your child one with the universe. But how peaceful will you be, knowing you bought a piece of furniture you’ll use for six months, for a cool $1K ,when you could have thrown that in a 529 college savings fund. Go with IKEA.
The Caravan Crib by Kalon Studios | $1,195–$1,495
You’re a modern parent. You’d like a modern crib. If you’re the type of person who calls furniture “a piece,” then this Caravan Crib may be for you! Heck, I want to come visit your cold, austere modern home in whatever Norse country you hail from, look out the 10-foot windows in your all-glass kitchen, and sip from an oblong white mug while we discuss how much better the healthcare system is in Scandinavia. But you and I both know I’m never going to do that… because you and I will not buy this crib.
The Bluetooth Baby Monitor by Nanit | $299
We get it. You want to watch your baby all night, every night, George Orwell be damned. And the Nanit will let you do that. And track something called sleep efficiency! Is your baby a sleep slacker? Or are they making the most of their sleep! You’ll only know if you get the Nanit. You could get a simple baby monitor for like 50 bucks… But the Nanit is only $299. Not like it’s $300 dollars or something insane.
Balmoral Stroller by Silver Cross | $3,999
Finally! Your chance to own the baby stroller that was pushed down the stairs in The Untouchables. And for the low price of the first used car you bought when you were 16! This stroller is hand crafted in Yorkshire England “using traditional methods.” What are those traditional methods? That’s a secret that Yorskire English baby pram craftsmen take with them to their graves. TO THEIR WELL-CRAFTED GRAVES.
The Snoo Smart Sleeper Bassinet by Happiest Baby | $1395
The Snoo always makes these list of super-expensive baby swag… and for good reason. It’s a cool 1400 dollars. Then again, as a father of two, I would clean out my savings if it meant my sons would sleep through the night. It’s easy to make fun of the Snoo, and not just because it sounds like a failed Dr. Seuss character who falls asleep on a pile of money. It’s because only in America do we think our babies need a responsive crib that soothes your baby for you. Finnish babies sleep in cardboard boxes. Save your money.
The Gift Collection by Baby Shusher | $50
This shusher costs 50 bucks. Your lips are free, and there’s a lot of worthy places to donate to right now. Give those fifty bucks to some teachers who will have to COVID-proof their classrooms. Shush your own baby.