Considering how many diapers you’ve changed in the course of being the world’s greatest dad, nobody would blame you if you started to think that maybe it’s about damn time somebody wiped your butt. And since it’d be weird to ask your wife, there’s this smart bidet.
The Brondell Swash 1400 is an “intelligent” bidet seat cover that fits atop your current toilet and shoots a steady stream of cleansing warm water up your backside at the touch of a button. You don’t need space in your bathroom for a separate basin. You don’t need an online plumbing degree to install it (it easily replaces your current toilet seat with a couple of screws). And you don’t need to be European to enjoy it, although that probably doesn’t hurt.
If you’re wondering how the 1400 stands apart from all those other portable bidet seats you’ve totally tried, here are the highlights: First, it’s heated. Both the seat and the water — each to the temperature of your liking. Second, it boasts “dual-position stainless steel nozzles” that extend and retract, so you get “bidet’d” in the just the right spots. Thankfully, they’re also self-sterilizing — which is good considering that throne ain’t your own. And speaking of throne, if you need to escape the kids but don’t actually require a toilet, the sitable lid holds up to 330 pounds. So feel free to read until the pounding on the door becomes unbearable.
The 1400 includes a replaceable deodorizer to keep things fresh (for up to 6 months), a warm-air dryer so your boxers don’t get damp, and a nightlight so you’re not stubbing your toe in the dark. While not necessarily in the design plan, it also has the added benefit of being able to spray cold water in your face should you find yourself worshipping the porcelain god after inevitably catching that stomach bug going around Junior’s daycare.
And finally, unlike the seats in your Dodge Neon, it’s completely programmable for up to 2 people. That includes preferred water temp, pressure, spray width, and nozzle position. Just hit the button on the wireless remote control and everything adjusts to your preferences, leaving your hands totally free and clean to get back to wiping your baby’s butt.
Brondell Swash 1400 Smart Bidet ($474, Available March 2017)