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The Best Gifts for Extraordinarily Vain Fathers

Loving a child doesn't mean he stops loving himself.

There’s no cure for a hardened case of vanity quite like seeing a freshly born human for the first time in the delivery room. It just zaps those 30-minute mirror selfie sessions from one’s life in a flash, right? No. No, it does not. Becoming a father does not suddenly make one modest. And why should it? Why should a childcare bill that rivals a down payment on a midrange BMW keep a nouveau dad from his organic moisturizer habit ($35 for 50ml, with Japanese ocean botanicals)? It takes a lot more than spit-up and sippy cups to put a cramp in dedicated narcissism. Baby’s gotta eat, sure, but vanity’s instinct to thrive is just as strong. 

Extraordinarily vain fathers who already have everything also have needs. And so, with the holidays upon us, it’s high time we consider them. And by them, I mean us. Behold: A shopping list that pairs perfectly with self-loving fatherhood.

The discerning father appreciates a fine tipple after the baby finally falls asleep, even and especially if it has his name on it. His highly coveted swigs of Pappy's will go down all the more satisfyingly when poured from this personalized whiskey decanter from the Vintage Gentleman. There are matching glasses, too, so he can enjoy his name every time he takes a sip.

There may be no sweeter affirmation of greatness than a celebrity telling Dad how great he is. Cameo has a long list of celebrities, athletes, musicians, and other household names who will record a personalized video message praising Papa. He fancies himself a rapper? Pay Snoop Dogg a cool $1200 to tell him his prose is polished. Dad needs a check-in on his dashing good looks? Gina Gershon can let him know how hot he is for a tidy $125! Best yet? Actor Jaime Camil, whose Rogelio on 'Jane the Virgin' was possibly the vainest character to ever grace the screen, will lay down the love for $100.

Men's concealer, otherwise known as concealer, is becoming more popular, making it even easier to dab away those under-eye bags left over from nights of bottle-feeding and any other imperfections. Not that anything about him is imperfect. And yes, we're all either masked or in lockdown, but that's no reason not to look hot. The Tom Ford bronzer is equally good and takes away that lockdown winter pallor that afflicts even the most beautiful among us.

If he's the type of dad who simply cannot bear the thought of missing a single workout, the Omni 360 Baby Carrier is his new workout companion. The Omni ticks all the boxes for squeezing in a workout with mini-him attached, including breathable mesh fabric and lumbar support from the wide, padded waist band. Planking while wearing baby isn't going to work, but body weight exercises (squats, lunges, pull-ups) and resistance training (curls, kettlebell deadlifts or rows) will. It comes in lots of colors and patterns, too, so he can look good while doing them.

Fancying himself the sharpest tool in the shed doesn't carry much weight unless he can back it up…literally. The modular WE100 Precision Sharpener from Wicked Edge is a hipsterized knife sharpener for enlightened blade enthusiasts. The colorful 100/200 and 400/600 Grit Diamond Stones — the sharpening source for these bad boys — not only ensure your Santoku knife (Japanese knives only in his kitchen, no doubt) is the sharpest in the neighborhood, but your workbench will be turning heads, as well.

Most folks in the market for customized photo pajamas are looking to celebrate the adorable faces of their impossibly cute kids (or dogs). But why do that when you can celebrate yourself? He'll sleep so much better being enveloped in his own image, and doubly well for knowing that someone choose the sweetest selfie in his camera roll to make him personalized jammies. With fabric described as 'soft and comfortable, does not shrink or fade,' expectations should remain a tad south of Thai silk or Egyptian cotton, but the attention – and laughs – might be priceless.

Entering the kid game often means more time at the pool (baby or otherwise) than usual, but that doesn't have to mean turning into a sopping mess. This terry cloth towel blazer all but guarantees a seamless fashion transition from the soak to the sangria and on to dinner under the palms with the family. Dry and fly, as they say. Monogram optional (as if).

Why should he look like crap on Zoom like the rest of us? Help him upgrade his meeting and selfie game lest fans think he's let himself go. Littil's self-standing, fully dimmable ring light has it handled, illuminating his flawless face like no smartphone or... lamp ever could. You simply attach a phone to the center of the ring and the 120 high-powered LEDs will do the rest — in warm, cool, or natural tones.

Undoubtedly one of Dad's great pleasures besides those kiddos is his own face. Protect it with this wicked Kaolin and smectite clay-driven facial mask from appropriately named Rugged and Dapper. Advertised as skin fuel for men, this stocking stuffer will nourish his face with natural and organic ingredients like spirulina, kelp, and grapeseed oil while cleaning and moisturizing that precious mug of his.

The unique, collaborative hardbound books by Fondfolio are an ideal vanity-feeding opportunity for families everywhere. Tell Dad how great he is at everything from one-hand diaper changing to facial serum daubing through collected words of affirmation from his friends and loved ones. You create an online survey that people can fill out online; Fondfolio then collects the responses in this keepsake book. The design (traditional coptic binding with waxed Irish linen thread, recycled archival-quality speckletone paper, wood laminate cover) and delivery (wrapped in a vintage scarf using the Japanese Furoshik technique) make this gift as beautiful as it is enabling.

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Fatherly IQ
  1. What do you want the president to prioritize in the next four years?
    Coronavirus
    Paid leave and child care
    Healthcare
    Climate change and the environment
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