10 Apps To Help Guys With Kids (And Other Excuses) Get Their Act Together In 2016

There's no shame in outsourcing your resolve.

by [email protected]
Originally Published: 
new years resolution apps

New Year’s resolutions are for making and never keeping, just like apps are for downloading and never using — they’re perfect for each other. Whether you’re determined to make this the year you swore you’d eat right, save money, lose weight, or learn something new, there’s a New Year’s resolution app for your smartphone you can tap away on just long enough to appear to be making the effort. Then, you can ditch your resolutions altogether and learn to strengthen your resolve instead, at which point these apps will actually start working for you.

Resolve To Know WTF You’re Feeding Your Family


Fooducate has more knowledge about what you’re eating than any New Year’s Resolver could ever consume. (The pun gun doesn’t take January 1 off!) It lets you scan and find the healthiest choices based on a detailed grading system, provides daily recipes and tips, and connects you with a community of like-minded eaters. It doesn’t track calories, which you might deem glaring at first, until you remember last year’s calorie-counting app. How’s that working for you?Free (iOS) (Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Work Out For A Reason (Besides The Pudgy One In The Mirror)

Charity Miles

Truthfully, this one is about your contribution to an even more important resolution all society must share: Down With DadBod In 2016! Charity Miles uses worthy causes to motivate you to work out. Download the app, choose a charity, press start, and you’re a human fundraiser — 10 cents for every mile biked, 25 cents a mile for runners. Or choose a charity you hate and promptly sit on your ass, you lumpy jerk.Free (iOS) (Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Stop Paying For Data Overages

Wifi Map

Once your kid gets a phone (or learns to simultaneously open every app on yours), running out of data becomes a very real struggle. With Wifi Map, you get instant access to 2 million free hotspots worldwide, plus passwords and comments for known networks shared by other users. So now you won’t even have to ask a real person “What’s the wifi password?” before going back to ignoring them on your phone.Free (iOS) (Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Stop Pphubbing


After DadBod, pphubbing was 2015’s most annoying meme. Forest offers a delightfully simple solution: opening the app plants a virtual tree that grows for half an hour, provided you focus on working, eating, or doing what you shouldn’t need help focusing on in bed. Leave the app early and the tree dies. Last 30 minutes and your forest grows — a lush reminder of hours reclaimed from your phone. On your phone.$0.99 (iOS) (Windows)Free ( Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Keep Your Kids Safe


SafeTrek puts a posse in your kid’s pocket for unexpectedly sketchy situations. If they sense someone or something sketchy, they can open the app, hold the big blue button, and release it to immediately call the cops. Plenty of parents find phones to be a comforting layer of security once they’ve released their kids into the wild — SafeTrek adds a helpful layer of utility.Free Trial, $3 Per Month, $30 Per Year (iOS) (Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Remember Every Moment


Lifecake plots your photos to a timeline, turning your phone into a life journal you can annotate and share. It also stores your images in the cloud until the perfect moment arises to embarrass the crap out of your kid. Invited friends and family can view and download photos on the Lifecake website, or order hardbound books … which will be used to continue embarrassing the crap out of your kid at all future family gatherings.1 GB Free, 100 GB For $40 A Year (iOS) (Android)

Resolve To Make Screen Time Smarter

Learner Mosaic

Kidaptive’s Learner Mosaic assess your child’s development based their progress in the Leo’s Pad educational app, then provides researched-backed insights and activity recommendations specific to their strengths and weaknesses. The result is a data-driven “learning map” and a practical plan of action to engage your kid outside the app environment — essentially a preschool teacher in your pocket, except it doesn’t alert you when your kid is eating paste.Free (iOS)

New Year’s Resolution: Teach Your Daughter About Every Badass Woman In History

Women On The Map

The SPARK Movement, which aims to recognize the historical achievements of women, launched Women On The Map in order to, well, yeah. It’s hosted on Google’s Field Trip mapping app, and buzzes your phone whenever you approach a place where a woman made history, interrupting your daughter’s Angry Birds game just long enough to make her realize the insignificance of her score.Free (iOS) (Android)

New Year’s Resolution: Be Able To Stream Your Kid’s Favorite Annoying Movie At A Moment’s Notice


When your kid’s favorite movie unexpectedly expires from Netflix, you can’t just suggest a readily available alternative because kids are illogical, unreasonable people. FlixFindr lets you search for 21,000 movies across 50+ streaming channels, which doesn’t cover every nightmare scenario you’re liable to face based on your kid’s tastes, but it’s a hell of a start.Free (Online)

Resolve To Be Mindful


When you have a kid, stress is a given; it’s how you deal with it that makes you a parent. If the classic coping mechanisms of exercise, whiskey, and moving to another country and changing your name aren’t working, consider meditation. Seriously! Headspace translates core meditation principles into a series of accessible exercises, stripped of hippy dippy, New Age connotations, making mindfulness accessible even to you, bro dad.Free Trial, Monthly & Yearly Subscriptions Start At $6.24 Per Month (iOS) (Android)

This article was originally published on