You used to drink coffee following a night of one too many beers. Now you drink beer to take the edge off after a caffeine-addled week of not-enough-sleep. Of course, you already know that fatherhood is a world where little makes sense, but did you know that famous Ben Franklin quote about beer and God was actually about wine? Here are beer making kits, beer gear, and other items to enhance your beer drinking while pondering what the hell you’re supposed hang above your home bar now.
Mira Beer Growler
The growler is a totally badass-sounding yet wholly impractical way to bring enough beer to the party to share with everyone — until now. Mira’s stainless steel, double walled, vacuum insulated bottle will keep your suds cold and won’t break when your buddy accidentally knocks it over while shrugging confusedly and asking, “Where the hell are all the bottles?”
Pico Bottle Opener
You still might need a bottle opener in a pinch, but your days of impressing the ladies at the frat house with that monstrosity on your keychain are over. Do the same job with a beer opener that’s smaller than a quarter, and save that valuable keychain real estate for your new minivan keys.
Northern Brewer Small Batch Starter Kit
Ironically, the reason you don’t have time to run out and grab a beer is the same reason you need one so badly right now. With this beer making kit, you can brew up a gallon of your favorite recipe — from brown, red, or pumpkin ales to classic American wheat — without leaving the house. Just don’t get your bottles crossed.
Mini Kegerator Refrigerator & Draft Beer Dispenser
Do you really need all that counter space for a mini keg fridge? That depends. How often have you used that KitchenAid Stand Mixer since you got married? EdgeStar’s tabletop kegerator keeps Heineken 5-liter Draughtkegs at the perfect temperature; an optional beer gear accessory will let you dispense other brands besides the unofficial beer of windmills.
Tailgating, aka legally drinking in a parking lot, is a glorious rite of football season — until the autumn air gets a little too crisp and holding a beer long enough to finish it turns the whole scene into David Blaine amateur hour. Suzy Kuzy solves that problem so you can get back to drinking the team to victory or something. Cold beer, warm hands, can’t lose.
Chillsner Beer Chiller
Simply freeze the Chillsner for 45 minutes, jam that sucker into your beer bottle, and your drink stays ice cold for as long as it takes you to drink it. Perfect for parties, tailgates, and when your kid decides to have a meltdown, a snack, and a poop right after you’ve cracked open a beverage. When naptime finally rolls around? Still cold.
Self Chilling Beer Glass
If it somehow bothers you that much to drink your beer through a stainless steel cooling chamber that looks like a weapon, use this instead. Dimple’s beer chilling cones attach to the glass magnetically so you don’t have any melting ice or beverage cubes altering the taste. Plus it’s a built-in coaster, because you respect wood.
Nite Ops Can Cooler
This beer koozie is made of sturdy plastic and doubles as a grill light so you can steal a few moments for yourself while still technically providing for your family. For the record, that’s why your dad never minded warming up some steaks in the dead of winter.
Consider this the beer version of the aerating wine pourer: an extra step between you and alcohol that no one can explain but somehow makes the alcohol better. A quick trip through the copper-topped container gives your canned or bottled beer the soft, dense foam and bubbliness of a draught beer you’ve come to crave since your dad took you to that dive bar behind mom’s back.
Okay …. now this list is complete. You and your kids will get the world’s most adorable primer on the ingredients, equipment, and processes that go into making sweet, delicious beer. There are even infographics at the end so you can try to pass this off as educational.