The sun rose in the east today, your kid is going to get sick (a lot), and WebMD just makes you think you have cancer. In the age of instant and infinite information, there has to be a better way to obtain accurate, useful health information to keep your family in peak form. Well, it turns out there are at least 6. These devices sync with your phone to analyze, store, and provide to your doctor information ranging from whether or not that cupcake has nuts in it to how you might increase your slagging testosterone levels (pun … intended).
Dario Smart Glucose Meter
If you think being a parent is hard, try throwing diabetes into the mix. Technology can’t solve diabetes, but it can make checking your kid’s blood sugar a little easier — that’s the promise, anyway, of the new Dario Smart Glucose Meter. It connects to your phone via the headphone jack (sorry iPhone 7 early adopters), includes a built-in finger-pricking lance, and a disposable cartridge that holds up to 25 test strips. The app measures/tracks blood sugar readings and insulin dosages, generates trend charts, and analyzes data in an effort to help better manage the condition. Perhaps most importantly, it sends emergency alert texts to family and friends with your GPS location if your kid’s blood sugar spikes — because you can’t keep them away from donuts forever.
Dario Smart Glucose Meter ($30)
This state-of-the-art home medical lab is so incredible that when you see it, you’ll immediately want to buy one for every member of your family while wondering if you’ll ever find your way back from the future. You can test samples of blood, saliva, or your kid’s favorite, snot, and instantly obtain molecular-level data about one of 5 healthy lifestyle indicators: Vitamin D, Influenza, Testosterone, Fertility, or Inflammation. Cue analyzes and zaps said data to a gorgeous smartphone app via bluetooth, and offers exercise, food, and sleep recommendations to help everyone feel their best, or gets your doctor on the horn if Junior has the flu. It’s like your Fitbit on steroids, except Cue would never let your Fitbit get away with that, because using steroids is only cheating yourself.
Cue ($199, Wait List)
CliniCloud is an infrared, touchless thermometer and digital stethoscope that sync with your phone to gather the same information your pediatrician would. Now, you can determine whether that weird gurgling noise is pneumonia or applesauce farts (spoiler: it’s applesauce farts) without disturbing your baby, leaving your house, or making a copay. CliniCloud partners with Doctors On Demand for their expert analysis, so you can give your pediatrician another pediatrician’s opinion when you bring your kid in, which your pediatrician totally won’t think is passive aggressive. Basically, it turns you into Bones and your home into the Starship Enterprise, which is probably how you already thought of it anyway.
Clinicloud ($149, Pre-Order)
Kinsa Smart Thermometer
It’s never been easier to know if your kid’s faking that fever to get out of school for the day. Just fire up the app, plug the thermometer into your headphone jack, stick it under your kid’s tongue (or in their … you know) and get a reading in less than 10 seconds. It’s virtually unbreakable, compatible with iOs and Android devices, and the app can track, record, and save symptoms and medication information for up to 8 profiles. There’s more than enough reason here for Kinsa to bill itself as “the world’s smartest thermometer,” but really everything beyond “no Vaseline required” is pure bonus.
Kinsa Smart Thermometer ($24)
Since the Peanut Kids have pretty much overtaken the general population, this portable allergen sensor will be the second-most important item in your pocket the next time you’re forced to attend a Chuck-E-Cheese birthday party. (“Flask” is still #1.) In just 2 minutes, Nima can test any food sample and tell you if specific allergens are detected. Everything is trackable via mobile app, through which Nima’s developers hope to build a global map of allergen- and gluten-free foods and restaurant items. More importantly, it’ll determine once and for all whether that one coworker really has celiac disease or she’s just judging your diet.
Nima Sensor (Wait List)
Withings Wireless Blood Pressure Monitor
With this home blood pressure kit, you can attach a number to just how much parenthood is truly stressing you out without having to admit to a doctor that you scheduled a checkup just to have some “dad time.” Track systolic and diastolic pressure and heart rate, get instant feedback, sync with one of multiple partner apps, and easily download or share data with your doctor. About the only thing it can’t do is actually prescribe you diuretics.
Withings Wireless Blood Pressure Monitor ($130)
CellScope Oto HOME
Quickly and easily capture ear images to determine whether your child has an infection, allergies, swimmer’s ear, something worse, or just wedged a Cheerio up there. The accompanying app provides guided exams, or you can share the images with a doctor on Cellscope’s HIPAA-compliant platform. It also lets you take credit for one of the great all-time dad jokes — checking up on what crops are growing between your kid’s ears — before the pediatrician can claim it.
CellSCope Oto HOME ($79)