11 Chris Rock Quotes: Everything You Need To Know About Parenting

Including: How to know if they'll be screwed up and when to shoot someone.

by Drew Wood
Originally Published: 
Chris Rock holding his daughter while both are wearing sunglasses

Everyone knows Chris Rock is a brash, outspoken, sometimes offensive, kinda high-pitched, funny as hell comedian. Not everyone realizes he’s also a blunt, proud, calls-it-like-he-sees-it dad. Although parenting isn’t a mainstay of Rock’s routine, the role of parents in their children’s lives — and vice versa — has led the comedian to some of his rawest, funniest insights.

On Predicting The Future:

“If the kid call his grandmama ‘Mommy’ and his mama ‘Pam,’ he going to jail.”

On Wanting Everything To Be Fair

[My daughter] had a basketball game; coach didn’t put her in. It was a real close game, she’s not the greatest — didn’t put her in. My wife’s pissed off. I’m a little pissed but my thing is, ‘Hey honey, you know there’s a way to get in the game.’ I’m just saying. Some kids actually got in the game.”

[vimeo https://vimeo.com/70491109 expand=1]

On The True Sacrifices Of Parenthood:

“When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy, because ‘sacrifice’ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. And I’ve never been with my kids and gone, ‘Man, I wish I was on my stage right now.’ I’ve never been with my kids and gone, ‘Man, it’d be so great if I was on a movie set right now.’ But I’ve been doing a movie and wished that I was with my kids, I’ve been on tour and wished that I was with my kids. Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing. It’s a privilege. It’s not something I call a sacrifice.”

On Self-Congratulatory Parents:

“[A person] will brag about something they’re supposed to do. Like, ‘I take care of my kids.’ You’re supposed to you dumb motherf—ker!”

On Getting Your Due:

“Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the daddy song? Papa Was A Rolling Stone.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LpohYT5NIg expand=1]

On Your Reward For All That Effort:

“Think about everything a real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, make your world a better, safer place. And what does daddy get for all of his work? The big piece of chicken. That’s what daddy gets.”

On Why Bullying Is A Good Thing:

“Everyone’s trying to get rid of bullying, I’m like, ‘What, are you crazy?’ Some of these kids need this. I’ll go even further, most of them need it. Who’s going to cure AIDS? Who’s going to invent the fuel that gets us off of fossil fuel? Who’s going to do these things? Some guy that was bullied, that’s who’s going to do it.”

On The Secret To Daughters:

“I’ve seen women who don’t have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.”

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehfH-Kb-2Zg expand=1]

On The Biggest Little Victories:

“You have two babies! Your sperm worked twice!”

On Why More Kids Are Actually Better:

“Two kids are easier than one because they play together. When you’ve got one you’ve got to be the show. When you’ve got two you’ve just got to be the usher. They can play in the park while you’re reading the paper. ‘Hey hey hey! Get off her hair!’ Then you go back to reading. One kid is horrible. Have a bunch of kids or have none at all. ”

On Going To Extreme Lengths To Protect Them:

“You’ve got girls so you might have to watch out. You might have to hurt somebody. If Lola came home and told me a guy hit her, I would get my gun and shoot the guy. I would put DNA on the bullet to make sure everybody knows I did it.”

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