Summer is fast approaching. For some families that means a relaxing trip to the beach, heading off to camp, or eating ice cream when it’s seasonally appropriate. For your kids, it means war. Arm your tiny troops with these Weapons Of Mass Hydration. There are hundreds of water pistols on the market, but the ones below are some of the most sophisticated squirt guns, drones, and launchers on the market. Because, to paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson in Jackie Brown, when you absolutely, positively have to [soak] every motherf–ker in the room, accept no substitutes.
Nerf Super Soaker Arctic Shock Water Blaster
Super Soaker is the most trusted name in non-lethal water weapons. The Arctic Blast comes with a 25 oz water drum that will put down any heated rebellion — mostly because you can fill that drum with ice. Additional clips are sold separately, but they’re compatible with other guns in the Super Soaker product line. If you run out of cold water puns, consult Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin.
The Ethos QX130 is an indoor-outdoor quadcopter with accessories galore, including a water pod that clips to the bottom. This dinner plate-sized drone is fairly easy to fly and arrives fully assembled with batteries charged, so you won’t kill yourself getting up and running. Just note that the water “cannon” is roughly the size of a tube of Chapstick, so don’t buy it to drench your enemy. Buy it to show the neighborhood kids you have air support.
Zorbz Combat Launcher And Self-Sealing Balloons
Children are bad at tying knots — which is why God (or somebody) made Velcro. And just like Velcro, these self-sealing hydro-bombs make tying easy. Simply fill the balloon, stretch the neck, and let it snap back down. Within seconds your kid is locked and loaded. For added range, the combat launcher (see above) can fling a Zorbz balloon up to 100 feet.
Airhead Aqua Zooka Double Shot
In true shotgun style, the Aqua Zooka is designed to inflict maximum drenching from 6 to 60 feet away. Dip the muzzle into a bucket of cold water (that’s why they call you Iceman), pull the handle back to syphon water, then jam it forward as hard as you can. Sure, it’s a one-shot wonder, but sometimes all you need is one.
Carrera Red Freezer Watergun RC Truck
Just when you thought your dog couldn’t possibly hate RC cars more, some product designer adds a water gun to the front bumper. The Red Freezer comes with with Xenon lights (for night recon missions) and a long-lasting lithium-ion battery. The splash-proof car can also zip around at 11 mph while blasting a stream of H2O up to 19 feet. Does it look like your kid’s remote control car is taking a piss? Yes. Yes it does.
Water Warriors Gargantua
The Desert Eagle of squirt guns puts an end to all this splash-splash nonsense. The Gargantua holds a full 78 oz of water (that’s a 6 and a half pack) and fires a blistering jet up to 40 feet. Spin the nozzle to adjust the stream to narrow, medium, or wide and the constant pressure chamber keeps pumping to a minimum. Just be aware the gun is heavy and your kid is small. Also be aware that didn’t stop Pacino in Scarface.
STR 75 Saturator Uzi Water Blaster
This Uzi-style squirt gun uses motorized jet propulsion (and four AA batteries) to shoot rapid, powerful bursts of water at 4 blasts per second. You’ll need to be within close range (it only shoots 20 feet) and each magazine only holds 6 oz of water. But how badass will it look when you’re holding one in each hand while leaping towards the Slip-n-Slide?
Fizz Giant Water Cannon Shooter
This product goes against the Squirt Gun Geneva Convention. Held in place by a sturdy tripod, the Fizz Water Cannon connects directly to your hose. The other kids won’t even be able to refill their squirt guns before your kids soak them from up to 100 feet away. That is if they get past those beach mines you put down. (Relax, they’re just your daughter’s jacks.)
Xploderz XRanger 2000
The Xploderz XRanger 2000 is a cross between a squirt gun and a low-powered paintball gun. It uses a patented piston firing system to shoot tiny, gelatinous, non-toxic beads up to 85 feet. When you run out, you can buy more beads and “grow” them in water. It comes complete with a shoulder stock (for recoil), bi-pod and flip-up site (for accuracy), and ammo clip (for big backyard BBQs). You should probably expect some parent phone calls.