Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. All of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including a tough but fair Halloween candy strategy, the all-encompassing power of Disney, and a reminder that nobody can hurt your feeling quite like your kid. Get into it.
Keep Telling Yourself That
LOL at the brand new, naïve father that told me "Disney will never see a cent of my money."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 30, 2018
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018
I Want Candy
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 1, 2018
Tired of Being Tired
Being a parent
+ doing something = exhausting
+ doing nothing = exhausting
+ typing this tweet = exhausting
+ reading this tweet=exhausting
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 1, 2018
The Truth Hurts
Chose something grey in a game of “I Spy” with my toddler. Her first guess was my hair. After that sick own, I transferred guardianship of myself over to her.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 28, 2018
What’s In the Box?
So, you ate the last Pop Tart.
A) throw the box away
B) put the empty box back in the cupboard.
If you answered B) – Congratulations! You could be one of my kids!!
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 29, 2018
My wife and I dropped our kids off at grandma's house before our flight.
We told her if we both die, she gets the kids.
She told us to take separate flights.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 4 days (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2018
Toilet Paper Caper
I don't have to worry about my kids TP'ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 31, 2018
If At First, You Don’t Succeed…
The hardest thing to convince a child of is that they are going to be bad at every single new thing they try for a very long time. Most adult children still don't believe it.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) November 1, 2018
It's really hard for me to be funny on twitter when my kids keep behaving themselves…
Just kidding guys, my 2yo girl just punched her 5yo sister in the crotch causing her to yell out "Mommy! She just fisted my vagina!!!"#dadlife
— Shaun (@Shaundsmith80) November 2, 2018