Fart noises are funny. Kids know it. Adults know it. Scientists know it. In fact, one researcher in England actually surveyed almost 70,000 people to determine which fart sounds generated the most laughter. Turns out, the longer and whinier a fart, the funnier people find it; a seven-second whopper got the most laughs. Not only that, but the more times a person hears somebody rip one, the more they giggle. (So don’t believe anybody who tells you the joke is getting old.) There’s just something about the vibrations caused when air exits the anus, often at the most inopportune of times, that the average person can’t help but find hilarious.
Not surprisingly, the study found what every parent already knows ⏤ kids enjoy fart sounds more than everybody else. Which means that the easiest way to make a kid cackle is to chase a can of baked beans with a can of Coca-Cola, wait 15 minutes, and light up the room. Or, assuming you’re short of time and/or beans, by using one of these five fool-proof methods to make the most realistic fake flatulence.
Using Your Mouth
Let’s be honest, the absolute easiest way to make a fart sound is with your mouth. And while, sure, you can play around the with the positioning of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to achieve the most authentic air biscuit, simply sticking out your tongue and blowing should do the trick.
Or, if you’d rather not spray your children with spittle, here are two other options: 1. Slightly bend your arm and put your mouth in between the forearm and bicep, purse your lips, and blow hard for old-fashioned raspberry; 2. Similarly, put your hands together, palms touching as if you were being handcuffed. Now bring them to your face and position the palms firmly over your mouth. Again, purse your lips and blow.
Using Just Your Hands
To achieve a good barking spider without blowing a gasket, slightly dampen both hands and put them together (palm to palm) in a self-clasping handshake, as if you just won a boxing match or the Cold War. Make sure the fingers are wrapped tightly around the opposite hand before beginning to smash the palms together to generate airflow between them. This one takes a little trial-and-error to get the speed and position just right, but once you do, you’ll be letting ’em rip to the delight of the entire birthday party.
Using a Piece of Paper
Simply wrap a piece of paper around a pencil, slide it off, and tape it into a straw. Now, using a pair of scissors, make two incisions at the one end so that there’s a small flap of paper covering the opening. Then blow into either end and laugh. You can also make the fart deeper by shortening the length of the straw. Here’s an instructional video to see it in action.
Using Your Armpit
Probably the most classic, if not the grossest, method for fake farting, all you need is a pair of clean, dry hands and your armpit. After opening/unbuttoning your shirt, slide one hand inside and firmly tuck it into the opposite armpit, leaving the thumb on the outside. Make sure the seal is tight and hand is firmly positioned against the skin before flapping the arm as you would if you were impersonating a chicken. Move your hand around and adjust flapping speed to achieve the desired Back Blast.
Using Google or Alexa
And finally, if all else fails, simply ask your smart speaker to fart for you. Actually, Google is a bit too demure and won’t respond to, “Hey Google, please fart” or “please make fart sounds.” Instead, you weirdly have to say: “Hey Google, talk to fart noises” and it’ll take it from there. As for Alexa, she has no problem passing gas. Simply say, “Hey Alexa, ask for a fart,” and she’ll let one rip.