Last week toy manufacturing monolith Hasbro announced it would acquire eOne Entertainment for $4 billion. This was big news in the toy industry — Peppa Pig and PJ Masks now live under the same roof as My Little Pony and Transformers — and, more strangely, the rap game. Why? eOne Entertainment owns Death Row Records, the notorious studio that dominated the West Coast rap game in the late 1990s. Is Hasbro looking to gamify “The Chronic” or sell a line of stuffed G Thangs? Likely not. But there would be an audience for it. Today’s new parents grew up sippin’ on “Gin and Juice” or, in most cases, trying and failing to rap along with it while riding shotgun in a Toyota Celica. The demand for kid-facing rap merch is there (just ask the Rap Dads), even if Suge Knight can’t make a play for it from behind bars.
But where should Hasbro start? How can the toymaker make some of the world’s greatest tune resonate for a new generation? Well… we’ve got some suggestions. Here are the Hasbro x Death Row Records products that the world most desperately needs. (And, no, we’re not gonna make any Tupac jokes. We sincerely hope he’s still enjoying island life.)
New Product Idea: Dr. Dre McStuffins (The Album)
Best Rhyme: “Well I’m scopin’ that stuffing and you know I’m creepin’/But I gotta work fast, ’cause my beeper keep beepin’/Like my best client, I gotta make myself felt/So pull out your stuffing, let me stitch the pelt.”
Why This Needs To Exist: Doc McStuffins teaches kids valuable lessons about medical care and empathy. But it kids who lap the stuff up end up rocking British accents, which is kind of off-putting. The best medicine for that particular ailment, Dr. Dre’s smooth rhymes. Let the World Class Wreckin’ Cru teach American kids how to speak like an American icon while learning excellent self-esteem!
New Product Idea: Compton Risk
How To Win: Ask current world champion Kendrick Lamar
Why This Needs To Exist: Risk needs more relatable stakes. World domination? Bit of a reach. The goal of this game is to have a good day. Sometimes, that’s enough.
New Product Idea: Snoop Dogg Pound Puppies
Proposed Tag Line: “Loveable, Huggable, Inevitable”
Why This Needs To Exist: The most ubiquitous man in the West Coast game, Snoop Dogg is a very good rapper and a full-on marketing genius (feat. Martha Stewart). It’s time to unleash the Dogg’s propensity for moving merch on a younger generation. Cuddly? Fo’ shizzle. Animated show? Worth it just for the voice-overs.
New Product Idea: The EZ Bake Growhouse
Elevator Pitch: The first STEM toy that actually works.
Why This Needs To Exist: Today’s kids need to prepare themselves for tomorrow’s jobs. What better way to do that then to teach them to grow the good shit. Under the leaderships of former Death Row Records Executive Vice President Kurupt, who has been selling Moonrock with a 51.2% THC rating, kids will learn the cannabasics.
New Product Idea: G.I. Jewell
Proposed Tag Line: “Holy Shit, Remember Jewell?”
Why This Needs To Exist: It doesn’t.