Being a dad has one of two outcomes on your creativity: it either kills it completely or forces every ounce of originality you ever had into pithy observations and sly comebacks. Some of us keep these asides to ourselves, others test them out on our partners. But the bravest among us hit up Twitter.
Twitter is a social media platform that may seem to be primarily made up of confusing memes and wild youths, but there are a lot of cool parents on there, too. Or at least we think we’re cool. Dads use Twitter to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and truthful events that happen in their lives. Some of them are famous. Some of them are Twitter-famous. Some of them are both. One thing is for sure: all of them are funnier than any of us.
And whether you are a brand new dad or a seasoned veteran in the parenting game, it always helps to laugh along with these hilarious dudes who are going through the same wonderful madness that comes with trying to raise a tiny human being. With that in mind, here a few of the best and funniest dad tweets from this week, including the real purpose of pasta for kids, how chores change when you become a parent, and the dangers of too much sugar.
6-year-old: I know you shouldn't buy me a horse.
Me: Finally, I got through to you.
6: You should buy me two so they don't get lonely.
Back to the drawing board.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 26, 2019
Dishing It Out
Horrible drudgery of a job that has no end.
Doing dishes as a parent:
I will gladly scrape, wash and polish each dish until it shines with the light of a million suns if it means a break from managing this TEEMING HIVE of MISCHIEF-FERRETS!!
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) April 25, 2019
My kids ate 1 million grams of sugar yesterday. Shout out to all the teachers today. Godspeed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 22, 2019
My wife (who is currently in labor) just took a moment between contractions to remind me that I failed to get the trash out on time three weeks ago.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 25, 2019
Hide & Seek
My kids can’t find their sneakers when they are right under their nose, but they can spot candy across the house, high above their heads, hidden behind 4 cereal boxes.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) April 25, 2019
Rage Against My kid
F*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me
— Josh Pivots Slowly (@Tryptofantastic) April 26, 2019
There’s Trouble Afoot
At some point, you will reach a "Driving to pick up your kids from practice barefoot" level of parenting.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 25, 2019
Compliments to the Chef
Kids: What's for dinner?
Me: I’m making-
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 25, 2019
Pasta is just an elaborate delivery mechanism for my kids to eat a pound of Parmesan cheese
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 24, 2019
Under My Thumb
A Roman emperor deciding a gladiators fate but it’s just my toddler telling this other kid that he doesn’t like him.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) April 25, 2019