As a dad, there’s nothing better than hearing from other people who can empathize about or articulate some truth from the wild world of parenting. It helps you understand that you’re not alone and not unique in struggling to remain in control (or convince your children that you ever had control to begin with). It should come as no surprise that Twitter has become the default forum for airing dad grievances. It’s the social platform preferred by parents eager to share the funny, silly, frustrating, and horrifying details of their lives without their parents or college friends having to digest all that angst in the middle of a newsfeed. And, make no mistake, 2017 was a banner year for dad tweets. They became, in a sense, their own tweet genre. Here are the 20 best of the bunch.
The Cost of Parenting
Spoiler alert: Kids are the most expensive free thing you'll ever have.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 7, 2017
To the Highest Bidder
My sweet 8 year old daughter drew this for me. Now I’m selling it to the highest bidder. JK I’m throwing it out. JK pic.twitter.com/qhajQA2dTb
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 26, 2017
The Truth Hurts
My 3-year-old walked up to me and said, "I know you're my dad."
It would have been cute if there wasn't so much disappointment in her voice.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Stay Afloat
Me: "Okay! Pool safety quiz! What's above the water?"
5yo and 7yo: "Air!"
Me: "What's below the water?"
5yo and 7yo: "Death!"
Me: "Correct!"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) February 20, 2017
The Happiest Place on Earth
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
Back to the Drawing Board
I live in fear of the day my kid asks "where's all my other drawings?"
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) March 14, 2017
God the Father
End of bad day & 2 yr old *doused* his pants (and surrounding floor) with shit and then I had to clean up 4 yr old’s reaction puke with a towel. Simply threw pants & towel away & now I feel like a God.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 22, 2017
Toilet Time
My new favorite tv show is any show that holds my toddler’s attention long enough for me to poop.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 17, 2017
Nobody’s Perfect
What is it like to be a parent?
Imagine you are straining to carry every single grocery bag and someone tosses you a priceless vase. Also, the kitchen is on fire.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 21, 2017
Easter Surprise
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids' faces when the snakes start to hatch.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) April 16, 2017
Picky Parenting
I’m going to wear this hair pick in my beard for my daughter’s parent/teacher conference and pretend it’s normal. pic.twitter.com/sytPdFu6Tc
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) November 20, 2017
And the Award Goes to…
I can't believe I wasn't nominated for a Tony award for my role as "Dad pretending to be interested in his son talking about Minecraft."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 12, 2017
Chews Wisely
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 19, 2017
Scream On
I wish I loved anything as much as my kid loves to scream for no fucking reason.
— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 27, 2017
Sober Up
Just blew up my daughter's beach ball by mouth & I'm afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2017
Gray Badge of Courage
Son: you have a gray hair
Me: it's a badge of honor
Son: *looks at head* whoa, you're like some sort of super soldier
Me: go to your room
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) February 2, 2017
You Will Not Be Missed
Wife: Think we'll be empty-nesters?
Me: What's that?
Wife: People who miss their kids after they've moved out.Then we laughed and laughed.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 28, 2017
Hidden in Plain Sight
Right now I'm that dad playing hide & seek with my kid so I can actually get shit done while she thinks she has the "perfect" hiding spot.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 25, 2017
What’s Better Than a High-Five?
SON: I guess I'll just have to accept our family's genetic mutations
ME {holding my hand in the air}: High seven
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 6, 2017
Twinning
One of my twins is 3" taller than the other + they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they're identical, I always say "yes"
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 16, 2017
