You’ve probably been embarrassed in public before. Maybe you took a header the first time you tried your friend’s hoverboard. Or maybe you walked into a meeting with your fly down. Or maybe you took a header off the office hoverboard with your fly down. Either way, that sting of pride is nothing. Not when compared to what you’ll feel when your toddler screams like you are stabbing them in the actual face because you refused to buy whatever the hell a Lalaloopsy is.
But while public tantrums can feel mortifying, most of the issue rests firmly in your head. Happily, if you prepare correctly and give away the majority of your craps, you’ll be just fine (even if you’re at the Whitehouse).
It turns out that a tantrum doesn’t just explode in red-faced anger and dwindle (seemingly an infinity later) into gulping sadness. Researchers who recently looked into the anatomy of a tantrum discovered that conventional understanding was flawed. A tantrum is actually a bit more complex. Sadness persists throughout with punctuations of angry behavior.
That anger? Not easy to deal with. The sadness, though, can be tackled with kindness. Which gives you a hint as to what you might want to be doing. No. Not tackling.
Why Tantrums Happen
Your kid might turn into real life Munch painting for literally any reason under the sun. But there are a couple of things that might prime the pump. The biggies? Sudden, unexpected schedule changes, parental stress, and not knowing your expectations for the situation.
They do not happen because your kid wants to make you feel like an asshole. And they don’t save it up for your next Target trip. At this point, they’re not really sophisticated enough to plan for your humiliation. Plus they have no concept of public versus private. So, you know, chill out.
You’re less likely to have to peel your toddler off the ground if you have a pre-game plan. Before you roll out, consider the following.
- Make sure they know what’s going down and how long it will take.
- At the same time, have reasonable expectations. Your kid’s not going to dig 3 hours at your local home improvement store, no matter how cool it is.
- Make sure they’ve been fed, aren’t near nap time and haven’t been dealing with major life changes, which leaves you about a 20-minute window.
- Give clear expectations about what you want from them. Repeat these like a mantra before you go, as you go, and when you get there.
- Make sure you bookend the trip with a bit of 1-on-1 time. You don’t have to play a game of Risk. Just roll a ball back and forth for a few minutes.
In Case Of Tantrum
No matter how you prepare, your kid might just lose it somewhere out there in the big wild world. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It just means your kid is being a kid. So take a breath and act.
This is a pre-meltdown strategy. If you see it coming, use your ultimate dad super-power of distraction and deflection. Ask them to help you by looking for something “important.” Ask an odd question that makes them laugh. Be funny. You know what will derail a tantrum? An awesome fart noise. Or maybe even a real fart and funny face. Sure you might get looks for that one too, but c’mon, your fellow grocery shoppers can’t have it all.
Don’t Fight It
If the meltdown kicks off, the last thing you want to do is get up in your kid’s grill and try to make them be quite. In fact, this just might make things worse. Tactics that will ultimately fail you include: public humiliation, threats, public punishment, yelling, begging and crying louder than them.
Which is to say that you’re not really negotiating. Instead, you’re performing a kind of toddler mind trick. Offer them a couple of limited choices to make them feel like they have a choice at all. That might be going to the car to calm down versus staying in the store to calm down, but either way the end result is they need to calm down.
Get Away And Get Empathetic
If you’ve quickly run through all of the above, remove your kid from the situation. Get them to a less chaotic place where they can work their crap out. Let your kid know that you understand what it’s like to feel sad and angry about these things and then let them go through what they need to go through. It’s a process and it’s natural.
No Craps Given
Now, about that embarrassment. Remember that you are blip in the lives of everyone around you. It simply does not matter what they think in the grand scheme of things. Also, chances are they aren’t even really paying attention to your personal drama. And if they are giving you side-eye? Well, those are simply bad people, and you can feel sorry for them that they have no compassion in their lives because that’s a sad way to live.
The same goes for all of the people who laughed at your hoverboard wreck when you were wearing those pants with the faulty zipper. Those people were awful too.