hal and lois from malcolm in the middle
Hump Day

Why Scheduling Sex Will Help Keep The Flame Alive

Being a parent means living a life of contradictions. One of the biggest is that the one thing that you did to make a baby in the first place is the one thing you struggle to keep doing after your kid arrives. That thing is boning, by the way, if that wasn’t clear.

homer and marge in bed

Horizontal refreshment. Getting the giblets together. Bumping uglies. These are all (terrible) terms for a thing you will do less of after having a kid. They are also (really, truly awful) terms for something that is known to make couples happier. That thing is sex, again, if that wasn’t clear. So how do you stop having less and start having more? The answer is to schedule the sexy time. So, here are some tips to make sure that time is actually sexy.

Why, When, And How Often

Look, it is a scientifically proven fact: couples who bang continue to hang. In one study published in the journal Social Psychology And Personality Science (Dear, SPPS letters, I never thought it would happen to me … ) couples who knew each other biblically more often, reported much higher feelings of well being and satisfaction in their relationship.

Awesome. So Why not schedule in a daily trip pound town? Because, the same study found that the those heightened feelings of goodness capped out at once a week. More shagging didn’t necessarily mean more happiness. So, there’s your frequency. Weekly whoopie.

As for when? Man, do it whenever you can carve out the time. Take a good look at the flow of your week. Do you have time in the morning before the kid gets up? Time in the evening before nodding off? Time in the afternoon on Sundays (after church, obvs.)? Whenever it is, just make sure it’s a time that you both have energy.

But Schedule? Really?

Yeah! Why not? It’s not as if when you and your partner were dating you’d just randomly meet at a restaurant, get lit and go bang it out. Unless it was. In which case, dayum, son!

Yes, there is a tremendous mental barrier that comes with the idea of “scheduling” sex. It makes it sound so clinical and mandatory. But the idea is to think of it more like setting up a date. Yes, it’s a date to knock boots. But shouldn’t that heighten the arousing anticipation rather than diminish it? Why not consider some ways to make it more sensual (like, maybe not using the word sensual)?

Getting To It

If you want to downplay the day planner feel of scheduled sex, then avoid just dropping your pants and saying, “Let’s get this done.” Unless that’s part of some kind of hot roleplay, in which case, more power to you. Instead, share teasing texts as your adult play date gets closer. Maybe send flowers and a note on hay-rolling day. And when you get to wherever you’re going to hop on the F train, go slow and add in some massage or foreplay (if you have time).

Scheduled Does Not Mean Unspontaneous

Just because you need to squeeze in the squeezing does not mean you’re just going to go through the motions of the ocean. There are plenty of ways to keep calendared coitus spontaneous.

One way is to widen the time frame or date range. If you are flexible (great, now everything sounds like a euphemism), you can still manufacture the surprise. Pencil in the possible cushion pushin’ for more than one day in the week. Or simply say, “sometime on Saturday.”

You can also leave the location open. If your kid is off at a play date (or asleep), all the fun does not need to happen in the bedroom. It doesn’t even need to happen in the house. It just needs to happen.

Finally, you can leave yourself open to explore new positions. Or toys, if you got ‘em, or want to buy them. Nothing says spontaneous like seeing your partner pull an “around the world” by suddenly reversing a reverse cowgirl. Yeehaw!

Intercourse Isn’t Always Necessary

Sometimes you just need to reconnect with your partner by simply getting intimate. And intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to getting lucky. In fact, sometimes you should feel lucky just to have some quiet time with your partner in your arms. No kid talk. No diaper demands. Just you and her, cuddled up.

Having a kid is known to put stress on a relationship. You need to do what you can to stay connected. Even if it is one helluva contradiction.