malcolm in the middle parents scene
Do The Hustle

How To Have A Sex Life When You Have A Toddler In The House

A toddler is just like those parasitic fish that attach themselves to sharks. That makes you and your partner the toothy, constantly circling hammerheads, trying to go about your business with a tenacious cling-on. And now you know why it’s so rare to see documentary footage of sharks having sex.

Because, just like poor sexless sharks, it’s tough to get it on when you have someone constantly hanging around. So it’s time for you to get a plan together so you and your partner can fin-ally get back to business. Here’s how.

Get Intimate

Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. If this is a shocking revelation to you, get ready to have more sex. Because intimacy is what primes the pump. Cuddling, hair stroking, and simple touching allow for physical reconnection. Think of intimacy like foreplay’s foreplay. A little now will mean a lot more later. Also, it can happen when your kid is around. Unlike regular foreplay.

Stop Talking About Your Kid

A good conversation is much like intimacy. But this is more of a reconnection of the mind. It’s helpful to remember you are both real people, with real thoughts about something other than how well your kid is or isn’t pooping.

Combine talk about something other than your kid with a little physical intimacy and suddenly that train might start chugging slowly to pleasureville.

Get A Lock

You’ll want to install this on your bedroom door. This doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your kid. It just means that if they wake up from their nap early because they heard a scary grunting monster with two voices, you have a bit more time to cover up before you respond.

Get The Kid Out Of Your Bed

Nothing kills romance like a toddler kneeing you in the sack all night. If your kid has literally come between you and your partner in your most sacred of spaces, it’s time to get them to stay in their own bed. You may have to get creative. But it’s worth it.

Get Away

Sometimes rekindling the romance, and by extension the sex, is simply a matter of getting out together for a quick overnight. It will take some good planning and a mind for logistics. Still, toddlerhood is a good time to get out if you have someone you trust that your kid really likes. Which brings you to …

Get A Babysitter

Interestingly enough, there is no rule anywhere that suggests a babysitter must stay in your home with your child. They can also take your kid outside for a hike. Or take them out to a play cafe, or the library.

That leaves you and your partner in a quiet house where you can get it on wherever you want. Just, disinfect anywhere either of you might have perched your sweaty butts.

Get Down With The Quickie

Okay, sure. Everyone wants the candles and the special outfit and the Luther Vandross crooning in the background. But you live in a new reality where you have to stick and move … And move … And move … And finish. But that doesn’t mean your good time has to be all grunt and go without any sexiness. Here’s how to get it done fast while having fun:

Flirt

You remember how to do this right? Of course you do (at least that’s what the cute bank teller said). So turn that energy towards your partner. Send her texts (not of your D) about how much you’re thinking about her. Or what you’d like to do. Or how sexy you think she is. If all goes right she’ll reciprocate and you’ll both be revved up to seize the moment when it… Er… Comes.

Be Flexible

This doesn’t mean you need to put your leg behind your head (unless, you know, that’s your thing). It does mean that you need to embrace times and locations you may not think of as bone zones. If the opportunity presents itself in the living room while your kid is taking a nap, hit it. If the laundry room has a door and your kid is playing quietly, make it happen. Other possible locations include: cars, the woods, a friend’s house, and basically anywhere else you did it as a teenager.

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Move The Furniture

A crucial aspect of the quickie is quietness. This is particularly true for light-sleeping kids. So move the bed away from the wall and tighten the bolts on your frame. Also consider television noise, music, fans or WD-40 in cases where there might be too much squeaking. Speaking of which …

Get Some Lube

Yes. You both may be worked up and panting. But that doesn’t mean that things are ready to go down there. Avoid the discomfort of dryness at all costs, or your quickies will quickly become not happening-ies.

Be Prepared For Walk-Ins

Sometimes you forget to lock the door. Or your kid busts in on your living room session. In these cases, it’s important to be prepared. The general procedure is: Cover-up. Stay calm. Give affection. Be as truthful as you can. And redirect.

All of this comes down to a delicate mix of spontaneity and planning. But at some point you will be able to ditch your cute little parasite long enough to get it on. It’s necessary, but just like a shark, a relationship without sex totally bites.