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Keep Him Separated

Everything You Need To Know About Relationships In 8 Louis C.K. Quotes

If you’ve watched the whole run of Louie on FX, you’re probably aware that Louis C.K. (the fictional one) isn’t really the man to dispense relationship advice. He has a tenuous partnership with his kids’ mom. He’s constantly screwing up romantic encounters. Wait, he’s actually kind of a terrible human being. Fortunately for you, Louis C.K. the comedian has had similar struggles, but he’s also really f—ing funny on the topics of marriage, divorce, and sex (usually with himself). Here’s the collected wisdom about what you’re getting wrong about women from a guy who doesn’t know much better.

On The Married Man’s Sex Life
“You’re not gonna have sex with one woman. You’re gonna have sex with zero women.”

Everything You Need To Know About Relationships In 8 Louis C.K. Quotes

On Why Women Want To Cuddle After Sex
“She’s not needy, you idiot, she’s horny! Because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. If you f–k a woman well, she will leave you alone.”

On The Best Part Of Marriage
“I love being divorced. Every year is better than the last. I’m not saying don’t get married. Meet someone, fall in love, and get married. And then get divorced — because that’s the best part. Marriage is just for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger, like a piece of oak.”

On The Bliss Of Separation
“Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple.”

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On What Bonds People
“‘F–k it.’ That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together. It’s not ‘We love each other.’ It’s ‘f–k it.’”

On That Stranger Sitting Next To You
“When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, ‘Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.’ And you look at your spouse and go, ‘ Who the f–k are you? You’re a stranger.’”

Everything You Need To Know About Relationships In 8 Louis C.K. Quotes

On Talk Therapy
“Talking is always positive. That’s why I talk too much.”

On Hopeless Romantics
“If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”