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No One Will Ever Believe You

Everything You Need To Know About Parenting In 12 Bill Murray Quotes

When Bill Murray isn’t photobombing engagement pictures, bartending at SxSW with the Wu Tang Clan, or unintentionally voicing that Garfield movie even your kid knew wasn’t by the Coen Brothers, he’s spending time with his 6 sons, spanning ages 14 to 33. Though Murray’s characters tend to be zany and clueless, Murray the man is a veritable archive of practical, heartfelt advice. Even noted celebrity parent sounding board (and father himself) Jimmy Kimmel swears by Murray’s tips. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

On How To Plan Your Wedding
“If you have someone that you think is The One … Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world, and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And if, when you come back to JFK … you’re still in love with that person, get married at the airport.”

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On Using “Do You Know Who I Am?” In The Delivery Room
“There’s only a couple times when fame is ever helpful. Sometimes you can get into a restaurant where the kitchen is just closing. Sometimes you can avoid a traffic violation. But the only time it really matters is in the emergency room with your kids. That’s when you want to be noticed, because it’s very easy to get forgotten in an ER. It’s the only time when I would ever say, ‘Thank God. Thank God.’ There’s no other time.”

Cedar Rapids movie still Ed Helms
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On The Reality Of What You’ve Just Done
“People only talk about what a joyous experience it is, but there is terror: Your life, as you know it, is over. It’s over the day that child is born. It’s over, and something completely new starts.”

On Understanding Your Role
“I do have kids. I have children that I am responsible for and I enjoy that very much. And that wouldn’t have happened without women.”

On Dealing With Infant Gas
“When the kid first eats solid food, which usually happens around 6 months, sort of when you’re at the bottom of fatigue alley, they get gas and they don’t know what it is. They scream uncontrollably, it’s horrifying. Somehow I learned that peppermint breaks up gas, I went and got a candy candy and you just stick it in the kids mouth and you go back to sleep.”

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On Getting Your Baby To Fall Asleep
“You just pump their legs, and then you do their arms, and they laugh very hard, and then the kid passes out.”

On What You Really Want For Christmas
“You have to ignore a certain amount of stuff. The thing I keep saying to them lately is: ‘I have to love you, and I have the right to ignore you.’ When my kids ask what I want for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I use the same answer my father did: ‘Peace and quiet.’ That was never a satisfactory answer to me as a kid — I wanted an answer like ‘A pipe.’ But now I see the wisdom of it: All I want is you at your best — you making this an easier home to live in, you thinking of others.”

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On Teaching Kids Fiscal Responsibility
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.”

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On Loving Them All Equally
“I was the forgotten middle child. It’s a joke; the forgotten middle child of nine. There’s like three or four that are forgotten.”

On Learning From Your Elders
“He was a real good man, my grandfather. He always had licorice in his pocket, and he always had a Budweiser and a Camel. He had false teeth. There was always a baby in our family, and he’d always say, ‘Come here, little baby.’ And then he’d pop out his teeth exactly like the ghost in Ghostbusters and just scare the hell out of the baby. My mother’d get really pissed at him. ‘Grandpa! How could you scare him like that?’ He wouldn’t say anything; he’d just drink his beer.”

On Dad Jokes
“For many years I was a tough laugh, but lately I’ve been giving it up. I appreciate when they’re trying to be funny, you know? I think they feel like they have to be funny, that I’ve got some standard of humor that they have to come to. But funny is funny, and there’s no denying funny.”

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On The Positive Consequences Of Divorce
“As much as the divorce was very hard, the fallout of it has been really great. I ended up much closer to my guys than I ever would have been.”