In addition to fighting about the necessity of sleeping with a top sheet, whether or not the word “moist” is canceled, and how many bath towels an adult should own, there’s another thing everyone should freak out about: Is candy corn the work of the devil? Is it the absolutely worst Halloween candy? And if so, why isn’t anyone talking about the terribleness of those saccharine, feces-colored nubs masquerading as chocolate: Tootsie Rolls?
This week, a new survey published by Better Homes and Gardens and MarthaStewart.com, and originating on CandyStore.com, claims that far and away Americans hate candy corn way more than any other kind of Halloween candy. In a combined survey, from various sources (including BuzzFeed, The Huffington Post, and Bon Appétit) candy corn came out as the most-hated candy. But come on. We’re all overstating this. Candy Corn is not the worst Halloween candy, and when you were a little kid, you didn’t hate it near as much as you’re pretending to now. We can’t let our children see us get whipped-up with this kind of internet affectation. Candy Corn is useful for teachers, because how else can you do those cool estimation bags? You know what I’m talking about: Teachers will put candy corn in a plastic bag, and ask grade-schoolers to guess how many are in there. That’s totally great! When you were their age, you loved candy corn!
Look, I’m not saying candy corn doesn’t suck. It does suck. But, I’d argue that loving the badness of candy corn is part of being a little kid, and I don’t want to deny my daughter the pure joy of loving things that are actually terrible. I mean, I’m not so sure that Peppa Pigg isn’t an agent of the devil, but I’m not trying to take Peppa, whom she loves, away from her. Eating candy corn and pretending you love it is a rite of passage of every young child. I say we defend it!
Also, the other problem with everyone pretending like they hate candy corn more than they do is that Tootsie Rolls exist. Let’s get real. The only thing good about the Tootsie Roll is the dance. Tootsie Rolls themselves look like poop and don’t taste much better. In contrast with the depravity that is a Tootsie Roll, pleasantly triangular candy corn is practically angelic.
Disagree all you want, but if you reach deep down into the trick-or-treat bag of your soul, you will realize that you don’t hate candy corn as much as the internet tells you to do. And for the sake of your kids, let’s tone it down and focus on the evils of Tootsie Rolls instead.